Tonight I came back to here... after so long. I believe this area has already vacant that perhaps I can really write my real thoughts and feelings here.

Running from my PC now is the song that is in the show Go Karl. This piece is what Di likes. I also like. But when I listen to this piece, I always remember the scene that Soo Jung was crying on the bridge with Karl. It makes me feel sad.

When I sad, I would run this piece too. Don't know why.

This show Di likes because the main actress, Soo Jung behaves like me. Violent sometimes. Act cute sometimes. Etc Etc. There is this scene Soo Jung self-take a video conversation to Karl. Di told me that I did once similar too. I was self taking myself in a boyish cap when I was on the way out. At that moment, I cried. I was touched. Di remebers that.

There are times I am confused. I don't what to do. There is this White Angel & Red Devil talking. Always. Different issues. This Angel & Devil always debating to me. Making me confuse from time to time.

A: You should be happy he is working hard now. Isn't that is what you are looking for? You wanted him to excel. You promised yourself don't let anything to distract him.
D: But not until barely talk for long these days. No quality time. Is not quantity. Is quality.
A: He did find time to meet you for dinner. He tries to find time for you. He is tired. Should be understanding towards him. He is not going anywhere.
D: Until no time to share whats been going on in your mind? How many times you wanted to share your life happenings to him, but how many times you keep quiet and let it pass, although you may have been waiting the whole day to tell him.
A: Sometimes there are some sacrifices. You love him, you would support him.
.........

Sometimes it just go on and on. Sometimes it gets repeat itself. But in the end the Little Angel did talk her way out.

But there are times that I really don't know what to do. I feel both Angel & Devil are correct somehow. Confusion state. That's is why in the end I cried. I am so lost.

I think I rely on him too much. He became part of me. That can't function fully when he is not around. Am I that useless? Why can't I be a bit more independent? Don't make him more worried can?

I know sometimes I had hurt him. I may be missing him that much, but when we are together, I push him away. I scared I miss him more if we are together more. The thing is that things always work the other way. The more I miss him, the more I push him away. The more I push him away, the more I miss him.

I just put down the phone. He just given me a goodnite kiss. He is always tender with love and care. Tears came down when we finished talking. I don't know why. I can't help stop crying. Maybe I felt I let him down with my mood swings.

I love you my dear.