This is a weekend that is just for me. Meant for me. Not busy with something or someone else.

Had a fight with Di on Friday night. Something that I don't really know how to put into words here.

There are a lot of times that I wish we can live and walk down the path forever. To have a family that is belong to us and support each other when life brings joy and turbulence to us. I long to have such. Is it a fairytale? Or it can happen?

But sometimes I seek perfection. A person with passion whom disregards the reality of life.

Is like, my love for photography once that shook me . I really don't know whom can fully understand my love for it then. Sacrificing time, academic results and some friends for the hobby. Yes, there was times that I was the only one whom roam the dark streets of the night with my camera. Some people don't understands why. But there was no regrets. Love for the expression of my feelings thu' the lens.

That's was all, I guess. Not sure anything that came that close.

For some, perhaps that is obsession. To me that passion. I dare to say I deeply in love once. After I lost this love, life gets plain. Been seeking to find back. Tried and failed. Completely given up. Hopeless now.

Families are responsibilities that can't be taken off this lifetime. Lover perhaps can come that close if he can forsake the reality of life.

Sometimes I want to just elope with my guy. To go far far away and love each other till end of time. Giving up all the mediocre of life. Live as per today. I don't understands why some things or rules are to be observe. Having a grand wedding doesn't guarantee anything. Perhaps I can't bring myself to believe a marriage certification can brings. Looking at my parents, I am stuck. Just like the song by Kelly Clackson - Because of you. See the MTV clip, you will understand.

When I choose to love him, I should have know how much changes there will be. But I didn't know these are so overwhelming. I have so many doubts that questions what he believes in. I believed in Science for example. My guy did mentioned that we can go see a teacher to pose him all the doubts I have. It will be a very very long list of questions to be asked. Hope it won't drive the teacher up the wall. Sometimes I don't know that long list of questions is being drawn up by me because I have doubts or just refuse to believe what others believe in. Is like a Chicken or Egg first question. You pose it to different persons, you get different results, but there won't be any model answers to verify with.

Sometimes I don't know where we are heading to.

Do we need to see a counselor?

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If I get to marry off with my love one day, this is the song that I will play along with my salsa dance with him.

Tata Young › I Believe

I feel the heat around me
I feel the beat surrounds me
Could this be for real, I wonder
No need for hesitation
Its time for celebration
Will this be the night Ive waited for

When angels fall in love
Heaven knows, does it show, oh
If this love, will last for eternity
Set me on fire

I believe, I believe in love
And like the stars above
They shine, let it shine over me
Set me free I believe in you
And that our love is true
Oh I believe, I believe

I see that people dancing
Boys and girls romancing
They want this to last forever

Cause underneath the moonlight
Everything is alright
Were reaching our hands up in the air

To where the souls alive
Heaven knows, that it shows oh
If this love, will last for eternity
Set me on fire

I believe, I believe in love
And like the stars above
They shine, let it shine over me
Set me free I believe in you
And that our love is true
Oh I believe, I believe

How could I doubt, what was meant to be
Everything I needed was in front of me
Your healing touch, will lift me up in the sky, so high

Because I finally get across the demons I have and believes the happiness that we are seeking together. I believe in LOVE.

Today neither PMSing or anything.

Just wondering...

I have started to live life with schedules. Week by week, day by day... I got kind of tired today, as I over stretched last week. Perhaps I getting old bah... Can't chiong too much at night. Get kind of sleepy around 3am...

Don't know what happen to me these days. Wanted to pack as much things as possible into my 7 days a week schedule. Even I don't have anything up on the list, there is always some other things running in my mind or tapping on this 'free time. Can be shopping for household stuff, clearing room, house chore etc etc.... Is this typical Singapore mid life?? hmmm....

Its not that I don't have leisure time. I do enjoy going out to meet my cliques... sometimes is like pack 2 days for such events... Then in the end, I felt my weekend gone... Its Monday again.

This Rat Race cycle just keep going on and on... Its wearing me out...

Perhaps I am trying to draw my that Bucket list out. To see how much things is undone. To be done before I kick the bucket....

Time is running short....

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Today this mother duck brings her little ducks out for dinner... Although I have a dinner that don't worth the money, but I did enjoy the time. I love walking home with my kids. We talk we laugh. I was stoning while they are playing at the playground slide.

I was stoning. Thoughts just run in and out of mind. Random. Seeing the kids playing around, I felt I am so blissful to have my kids with me. Although we fight, I scold, they cried, at times; we are still brothers and sisters.

Suddenly, I felt fear. Because I realized this is not forever. We will die someday. Where will I go, I yet know and won't know. I am scared. I also scared what will happen to my kids if I were to go anytime. I worried for Ah Yen. Will he be able to survive in this world of terror? Worried for Ah Zhong. Will he mix with wrong company one day? Worried for Ah Mei. Will she be con by someone one day. I don't know. I seriously want to keep them under my wings. To protect them from unseen dangers. Dangers that is lurking around and strike you when you unnoticed.

Is that dream warn me something? Red flood at my house...

I am so scared.