I just want to record my feelings now...

We have a fight on Wed night. Till now, yet resolved. Di sent me a message last night after I slept. After I sms him good nite. He mentioned that I am making him feeling horible.

I was waiting for his sms before I doze off. When I wake up very early in the morning, I saw his missed call and 2 messages. I never read the message yet till I wake up fully. Coz I looking forward to the message, perhaps something will touched me like the one in Bangkok. I anticipate it. I was so wrong.

His SMS just consist of one clear message. I reply back when I am going to work. A long message consisted of 8 SMS. My true feelings. I don't know how he will interprate it. Was debating with myself should I wake him up for the morning call and talk to him? Will he have a good mind to talk? Will I spoilt his day when he opens his eyes? In the end I choose not to wake him up by the morning call and SMS him instead.

How silly am I? I still got worried if he can wake up in time for work.

Finally got his message. He asked do I want to watch movie with him today. I was completely taken off guard. We are still fighting, how come still ask such a qns? I really don't know how and what to reply him. I told him the truth. Told him that I am taken off guard and needed a talk.

Well, we going to meet tonight and have a talk. Place I set it at National Musemum. It is my happy memories with him.

I don't how the talk will go tonight. I am thinking of the worst. Maybe we have to go seperate ways after tonight. If he asked, I don't know what will be my answer be. For I know, I will be more disappointed and upset than angry.... if he choose to let me go....

I want his love and hugs which I can't get....

All the best tonight gal. No matter what happens, Be Strong.

This morning I have a sudden urge of energy building up in me. Is like the body preparing for a battle of sort. Is a sub conscious thing.

Some thoughts came into my mind. Is about Gor’s late mum. It happened on my late auntie’s funeral wake. The final night. His jerk dad brought over the mistress’s son. Considered half brother I think. There was a sort of commotion when someone board cast that illegitimate son was coming. I don’t remember if Gor did lost his cool. But I remembered my mum dragged him one side to talk. I guess was those, “What done is done, let it go” stuff of talk. I think only my mum was the calmest of all that night. After all, late auntie already sort of acknowledges the existence of this illegitimate.

I think, if I was in Gor’s shoe that time, I don’t think I will be so calm to accept what is already there. Accept can, until I made a mark. Perhaps I will pretend to accept and agree to let the illegitimate to be present then. You know, that mistress never appeared that night actually, can see how embarrass her action was. The bastard was fetched over by the jerk father. He came alone. Dare to do it, be sure you dare to show face. Coward mother. Seizing the little boy is not a problem. Mind you, he was about 4 years then. What I want will be the mistress to be present and kowtow in front of late auntie’s wake. And suffer humiliation in front of everyone. So, grab the boy and threaten to break the arm till I see the mistress is present.

Well, I know the above scenario is not able to happen. Why? Because even before the mistress arrive, I believe the police had came.

Anyway, I never really treat the boy well that next day which was the burial day. He happened to be in my care for a while. I shoved him again and again. I think my parents saw what I did, that’s why they took over. My parents never scold nor question me. For I believed that they know what I am feeling. Poor boy, should been scare and confuse then. I wasn’t feeling guilty. Even until today. I just regretted that I wasn’t much older then to think more to do more. That illegitimate should have grown up and be told that his existence on this Earth is redundant and cause pain and death of another person.

I can’t hold down the feelings I had. I can’t accept betrayal in any promises made. Although is not my problem, but I can’t help to feel sorry.

That’s why news articles that report the wife turned violent due to the infidelity; I can’t help to feel sad. For the woman. There are reports that the wife actually burns the groin of the husband while he is sleeping. I actually understand how it feels. I am happy for what the wife did. Caused the husband deserved what he had. You know how sad the wife felt then to hurt someone she loved so much? Is the pain that drive her to a corner.

People will give reasons like, “Is their own family issue, we outsiders should not interfere. It takes 2 hands to clap. We won’t know who is in the wrong. Or the wife is not loving as before” etc. Not a very solid reason that I can accept. If between them has a problem, the husband should not seek solace in other women.

Should I live in olden days, I may be the one whom ordered the adulteress to be drown in pig cages while the adulterer watch on. He won’t be allowed to die.