Just Being Myself

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Knew what was written, expressed it so clearly. Is true... so true... Help is also there when needed. Is not help, is more of a support. It juz expressed so clearly, so accuratly....

"....cruel...twice...hidding.. tangle...yourself...always here...."

how come things like to happen together???!! different people telling me things that is so similar to each other. COME & GO. juz WHY??!! I don't understand at ALL. Vulnerable is the word. Break so easily. WHY?? Is it that, it don't worth anything at all??!! so disappointed...

Suddenly feel the coldness of the world. why things have to end in such a way??!! Does it means so INSIGNIFICANT to them... Spent so much time, effort, feelings and others...

yes, I have Yun, Vin, Xia, gor, Heng, Daddy, Mummy, Yen, Zhong, Yin and so many more..... will appreciate & treasure you guys more! I will. Please believe me.

but at the same time, this is how i feel:

I feet so tired. so tired. 1st time for so long... mentally tired. feel like what I felt 3 1/2 years ago. so hopeless... so lost...maybe. mentally so tired. too tired. just too tired.

Blackout.

went to interview today. still okie lo. duno can get the contract mah. 6 months. Joshua said coz today abit late le, cant sign the contract. he will send my resume over and wait for the reply from the parent company. need to go for another round of interview again.

well, I like that office. at Standard Chartered building. overlooks the Singapore river. not a bad view. can relax oneself if too stress.

hmm.. meet my claz people at 6.30 for dinner. we planned it now coz the 1st guy going NS is Yeow Hwa, on the 3rd June. I reached at least an hour earlier. Roting.... lucky met Lishan along the way... the rest of them reach around the meeting time, except for Doris. cant blame her coz not her fault. the Bus.

went to Fish & Co. ordered Black Pepper Sting Ray. so-so only, coz too little sauce. the service there is not good lo.... the easiest dish, Fish & Chips was the last dish to served. WHY?! coz they forgot about the order. argh~~ the waitress still ask, "You hungry or not?!!" then she served some garlic bread that is for free as an apology but still waited very long again for the dish!! And you know what, need to ask for 3 times for the menu. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, the bills came before we asked for it!! argh~~~

had a very good laugh outside Fish & Co. COZ of the guys. 5 guys using their body to display the word L.O.V.E. lolx. you know what, they are facing the main road with many buses are driving pass.. *Laughing Out Loud*

went to StarBucks for coffee. another round of chatting. bloated with ice cocoa now!!

today the turn up not so bad le. 12 out of 19. 1 need to OT, 1 need to move house, 1 working, 1 broke & stay at home play game, 1 MIA, cant contact him at all. dont ask me where is the remainder!

hey Ken, I think you only happy if I says I miss you! *eyes rolled* LOLx. =P

the next big day is 28th of July 2005.
the another one coming is 11th-13th Nov2005.

will be looking forward to it!!

still waiting for the pictures~~

Monday, May 30, 2005

why I write again now. coz in an hour time I need to give a reply, but seems that I can't find an answer myself. how I am going to reply??!!

you know why I am in such a confusion? I have confirmed that a while ago, sliently. I really lost it. I hate myself in such a state. Is not coz I am in the confusion I am in. Is that why can't I decide. I used to come to a conclusion easily, give myself an answer easily. Even later I regret the decision, I will accpet it with no doubts. But I can't now. I dare not make any choice. A person that has lost the courage to fight. No more guts to risk anything. No more risk taking. No more fighting spirit.

Been so weak. this is not me. I am not this. why I allow myself to be so weak? I have to be strong. I need to be. but.. there is always a but.

WHY I HAVE REDUCED TO THIS SATE???!!! what happen?!

Friendships require right timing. This is what I feel just now. From what I heard. Both parties have to put in effort. Come & Go, it came to my mind. Felt that coz I experienced it.

You are here all this while. I know is all up to the involved parties to decide. Outsiders cant do anything. Is up to the person wheather to give up or not. Perhaps like what you said, *hugz* is only thing can be given now. The word 'Give Up' does not come easily. And also once said, it is a point of no return.

Yun ar, I guess like what you have said, when I realised that I did changed, I had aready changed alot, I have lost it somehow, somewhere. I have to find it. Back. Go back as what I always are. It seems that I have lost it so long time ago.. so many years back. Don't know why or how. It been draining away bit by bit. Until now, I don't know how much is left.

Confidence.

Friday, May 27, 2005

haha.. went to sch today... the new comm members was announced. my initial vote for this guy finally is the President!! finally wor.. Jian Min!! wahaha... he was so shock when we announced it, I think he still have not recovered from it yet.. coz keep asking us why he was the choosen one...

Yew Lai is the Secretary and SMC. Wenjie is also the SMC. Anthony is the Events Planner. JJ is the Publicity and Treasurer. have quite high hopes for them... but Jian Min: don't ever bully them huh...!! =P

I know that they can work well together de...

argh~~~ my CD spoilt!! this CD contains many nice songs... initially, i bought this CD due to one song, "Lemon Tree"! but when I listen to the CD, ALL.. eh.. no lar.. most of the songs lar, 95% of it I like it alot...

More Than Words Can Say by Alias
That's The Way Love Goes by Janet Jackson
Beautiful In My Eyes by Joshua Kadison
Room In Your Heart by Living In A Box

I was abit shocked when I saw the prayer para that Vin wrote in his blog. Don't know what to say... cant find the word to describe it.... yah...

~May God Bless~

Vin, the mask thingy, you will know what to do de... consider my words... ;)

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

*piank*

this entry I should wrote in the morning de. coz I read about something that makes me heart break. the 3 words came into my mind: suan le bah. is not yun's blog but someone else. i duno why i had that such feeling at that instance. hurt was the word.

yun ar, between u & me, u know there is something common, u knew it. the way I understand you, the way u know what I am thinking. are we facing something that is unavoidable?! are we? I duno really what I am writing now, coz i seems to in the daze. I duno what makes you feels that.

coz been hitting the wall all this while?

can trust me?

I don't believe in Come & Go. I believe Come & Stay. perhaps you are correct. if the promise was never made in the 1st place, things would be better. now I believed what you have said to me.

blog for the sake of blogging. nothing much today.

wierd dream came to me today. saw myself went berserk in my dream. cant explain why, coz it seems illogical. was waken up by a call at the crucial moment. Hope this dream can continue tonight. I juz wanna find out why and more.

cool weather these days. I love the rain so much, perhaps too much. Duno why.... Since young, I love standing at the window when it rained. when it rain at night, I will be awake when the rain hit the windowpane. will open up the window to feel them, so cooling. Sound crazy, isn't it??!! yup, thats me! Emotional, was what someone said about me. True also. Sensitive about things. Emotional about everything. thats me, I just realised that.

Lightings flashed...thunder roared. but I think it won't rain tonight.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

the day had arrived. SPH Big Walk event that we registered that day. suppose to meet at 7am at Dhoby Ghaut. but Xia woke up late!!

though the shuttle bus pick up time end at 7.15am, we took the shuttle bus at 8am. me started snapping away while in the Q... saw Mr Eunos with his family in the Q also. the history teacher...

the crowd...

Me & Yun

Vin, Yun & Xia

Me & Xia

the walk started, but we are late. anyway we went to collect the goodie bag first and started the walk... the total journey is 10Km. anyone make a guess, did we finish it? we also saw Mr Toh at the walk too, teacher of my fav subject. D&T. long time never see him sia... blur him leh... forgot to bring the coupon to exchange for the goodie bag. (-_-'!|)

Mr Toh & Vin

Spiderman & Batman was there too!! yesh, at the Big Walk!! for a go Vegetarian Group i think... with lots of fruits accompany them...

at the rate we are going, the road block will be removed before we reach the ending point. LOL. we gave up at 5Km distance.

here is the proof: 5KM

we took a break at Suntec. some pics taken while we rest... haiz... Xia hor, really bth (buay tar-han) her. the pics she took.. haiz.. wahaha... =P after the Big Walk event, basically, we are regaining our energy at Suntec. so many jokes & pics created at the Coffee Bean etc. here are some pics:

Vin's stun look

Yun's sian look

the Cows & the Cow

Sushi Time at Coffee Bean

the Blind??!

the tired look

Me & my ice tea

i was nearly drag back to Yishun today again. *phew* went to woodlands instead. saw Ms Jasmine Teo there. eh... is she saw me first... me nearly cant recognize her.. hair cut short, but still very very sweet as ever... hor, Vin? hehe... hmm... yah, we should arrange to meet up again soon.. Picnic?

with sweet Ms Jasmine Teo

though tired, the day ended peacefully and leaving me with many thoughts in mind.

hey Vin mei, dun so 'color' can??! lolx && 'sha jiao' is no use de wor~~ =P u are only scaring Xia away... wahahahaha.... Vin ar, I think you are correct about the issue we talked at the bus interchange. thanks...

well, had a really fun time with you guys today!! Luv u guys! eh...no.. gals!! =) FUN was the word!

~*THE END*~

Saturday, May 21, 2005

wahahaha… FRI we planned to have a movie marathon at Yun’s house. from the title, you can guess something happened rite? haha... me & Yun went to shop for titbits & stuff. when we reached Yun's hse, the 1st thing Yun did was to go to SLEEP!! (-_-"") argh~ eh... me realised that I left a stack of cartoon vcds at home, what I have with me was all chinese movies! later we lay out all the Vcds & Dvds we have when Xia arrive in the night and start selecting.

The Phantom of the Opera was the first. A sleepy movie!! we never finish it!

E.T was the next. E.T phone home... wahaha... a cute movie... love the E.T!!

next was, SHUTTER. been wanting to watch thiz movie for a long long time. haha.. haiz.. the movie wasn't scary leh.. but was scared by the sudden shouts of Xia's & Yun's... (-_-'!|) is Yun lar.. bth her ar.. haha... =P

juz so afraid...

1/2 time: our drinks..

aunties & their drinks...

hey, Vin ar, the movie Moon Light abit sleepy leh.. guess we are juz there watching the guys in the movie. Lee Hom is so handsome!! ;) *shaui dai le~~~~*

eh.. duno at which disc.. think is Jay's concert de... Yun suddenly pull the blanket off... and said: I wanna sleep le... ARGH~~~~~~ and left us in the livingroom!!

win liao lor.. wat a host sia~~ haha... it was about morning le bah.. not sure lar n me lazy to look at my hp. .. Me & Xia keep changing movies. coz cant on the sound louder so cant really hear what the movie is going on.. haiz.. the last disc was Jay's Concert! nice songs.. but I cant 'survive' till the end of the concert.. duno at which song bth le lo~ haha... but hit me most was the song 'Dao Dai'..

Morning came. about 8am le.. guess wat? Xia survive leh.. *thumbs up for you!* me slept for 2 hrs bah.. not sure. another thing was: we have a difficulty in waking Yun up!! Yun ar, sleep the most is you leh... haha... =P *blehhhhhhhh.......*

Xia at Neopet...

yun sleeping.... >.<"

left me... :"( so bored....

went to 400 plus for breakfast. me headed home after that, hooked on the music and started to day dream again. ended the not so long but so called Movie Marathon! our very first marathon... hope more will come...

*~Friends Forever~*

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

olligation? yah.. long ago came into my mind before. years back... dare not mention it too.. perhaps like what you said is coz we are all busy with stuff. things happened that bring us close...

the song juz now really seems to talk about me.. the lyrics is true.. far too true...

Yun ar, i duno wad happen to me if you fly. I will really miz you de... u muz jia you wor~~

Xia ar, is really wonderful to have you. really.. perhaps we are there making fun of you, but i believe our friendship is always true... really. I really brighten up with u..

*big hugz* to you guys! duno wat else to say but perhaps actions are louder than words... Juz love u guys so much...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

today went back primary school. YPS. YISHUN PRI. yea~~ been 7 long years since i grad from there. haiz.. should be quite a number of people, but end up only Me, Justin and Siming. haiz... well, it rained heavliy today. i was about to reach the school le but the heavy big rain droplets came down.. argh... i was juz opposite of the school. stuck there!! den i ran over to the school in the rain while umbrella in my bag! i juz love the rain so much.......!!

now, the school need to sign in, take the tag and cant even go up to the classrooms!! while waiting for teachers, we sat in the canteen. the aunties and uncles are all still there. i bought my fav bee-hoon with wunton and hotdog from the malay store. wahahaha.. n the drink store too... we all there recapping our school lives back then. teachers, classmates, recess, assembly and many more.. Hey, Mrs Lim remembers me leh!!! 'something yun' haha... we remembered that she gave us a small plastic mickey mouse plate before she left when I was pri 2. She was back when i am primary 4, my form teacher. Quite a numbers of teachers left. retired. transfered. haiz...

meet Xia at OCBC. n yun at orchard heng's. Xia wanted to go to job agency, so go lor. end up I also filling up the forms. wahaha.. me also looking for a job mah.. so why not. yah, Yun find that the agent quite nice looking but not comparable to that Jing Cai leh.... (-_-'!|) later we took MRT to raffles coz Yun wanted to go to her study agency... bcoz I been following them here and there, I drag them along to uncle simon there... wahaha....

after uncle simon place, we wanted to find some recreation. saw PartyWorld signboard but was closed down. we end up singing while we walk along the road!! *tong hua* *yuan lai ni shen me dou bu yao* keke... we walked till 'lau-pau-sa' for snack. ate indian rojak. quite ex leh due to the little selections and not so nice sauce. Xia wanted to go for the big walk tiz sunday, so went to find the place for registration. we end up at Suntec. we took the form then later decide want to go mah coz we are very tired at that time. well, is me lar, lazy to wake up at that super early time to catch the bus and the long walking distance.

we decided to GO! really... me, yun, xia & vin!! wahahaha... perhaps my 1st & the last time..

u guys guess wat! i was so called drag back to Yishun *sob sob* haha.. well, is okie lar... i juz dun wan to go home too. ate the dinner at 925 again!! -_-"

Yun ar, u think i was getting better mah?!?! he occupied most of my mind today... *hugz* i juz want to forget about this section in my life... Xia, thanks for keep talking to me today. I was not 'yin chou' you.. really...

Monday, May 16, 2005

wahaha.. going back to YPS tiz Tue. which is tml!! yea~~ been a super long time never go back le.. wondering which teacher is still there... wahahaa.. me n Si Ming there reminding each other about who n who n who... hahaa... there are really alot of memories... Old classmates. wondering how are they now... so many names came back to the mind... Me going to eat the food there!! wahahaha... love them n miz them.. each store there used to have at least 1 of my fav food. fr the drinks store to the malay store. wondering now any store change... but i heard that the last malay store Uncle retired le.

Me still feel that when young is good. no worries juz laughers...

eh... well, you no need have a brother in order to see the world. juz tell your parents that while you see the world you search for one. ;) a gd suggestion? kekeke...

tiz entry is for SAT de...

today this entry will be a very long one...

woke up quite early today. meeting Xia at yishun. near my old school. perhaps today was a wasted trip!! Xia lar, never check. argh~ haha.. we then went for lunch at the coffee shop beside MAC. Miz the food there.. been more than 3 years le...

went to Yun's house. that Xia keep complaining about the distance there. argh~ we only walk from block 2++ to 3++ nia... =P finally reached Yun's hse. first time there since she moved. haiz.. Yun, Xia & Xiang all live so near to each other~~~

we wanted Xia to create a blog. and she took so long to think about the username.. haha... Xia ar, muz keep updating ur blog wor...

Xia and her blog...

yun talking at the phone..

we 3 !!

eh...

Yun & her Feet on my lap!!!!

we got a shock today! Vin knows how to play piano! we used the phone speaker to listen to Vin playing. we all got stunned. OMG! Is that Vin??!! yah, that is Vin. we asked him to play while we see him thu' his web cam. the music piece i like best is Canon in D. (the music is playing now but isnt that mesmerizing as what Vin played...cant find the exact section that Vin played. i did my BEST le. >.< the section that is captivating is sort of the chorus part. Vin ar, next time while u play, record down... k?)

yah, did agreed with Yun that Vin shaui le... haha... perhaps to me is that guys are shuai when they are serious... well, Vin ar, I know you are trying to make Yun fall for you right??!! lolx... sori for that dream huh~~ kekeke.... (can confirm Yun wanna beat me liao... =P)

below are some captures that Vin don't know.. kekeke.. Vin, don't be stunned wor... ;)

there smiling at the word 'shuai'...

thinking how to ans our qns...

Vin & yoyo...

got abit sad when said Yoyo is cuter...

cant visualized the size of the cake that Yun is bringing later...

Dun hump-tump me wor... =P kekeke...

me, Vin & Yun went back 925 for dinner and to the yishun pond again today. lost my fav bracelet there.. argh~ Lesson Learnt: Don't ever swing ur arms too hard!!!

Yun ar, I want to eat the banana cake tiz coming FRI!! =P the cake made by Yun is really very nice..

******************
here are the list of things we planned:

K-Box
Bowling
Pool session cum steamboat
Zoo trip
P.Ubin trip
J.Kayu breakfast
BBQ
CHIJMES

anymore to add??!!
yun, u decide the day & time... kekeke....

Friday, May 13, 2005

today went back to school. checking how the club progressing. not bad. doing good. new comm is coming up soon. i have high hopes on them. don't disappoint me~~ actually, I like tiz batch alot. JJ, JM, A, B, R, B, KS, YL, WJ, A, K & many more. duno why. yah, there was a time that i did want to give up. HOPELESS. what right now, i still with the club. last time, they ask me "what makes you stays so long?" perhaps is the warmth. the people. the FUN! I juz LOVE them. kekeke... in the club room, i flip thu' the album. memories came back. that album contains photos for events like orientation day like studio touring, outings like Botanic garden shoot. so nice~ fun~ think I will miss them alot.
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a very nice song.. really..

Thursday, May 12, 2005

hahhaa.. Guess what!?! I juz really really wake up.. perhaps too shag le bah.. yah.. calls came in, messages came in too.. but even without all these, I was like going in and out of sleep. Not sure you understand mah or feel that before. you know is like: you have wake up, but duno why wants to go back sleep again. but once you sleep le, u will suddenly awake.. VERY JIA LET hor!

yun juz break a news to me. duno what to say. duno say yeah or what. if yea, abit selfish. but anyway, is good that she going le...!! Cheers gal! jia you wor...

i realised that i had started to write down my stuff, my feelings in words le. no matter where or what, i feel like writing down every moment of things that is happening to me. if that, means very long... wahahaaaa...

yah, tml is friday le.... good luck! Cya!

yah, today went out le...

should be meeting Yun at Yishun at 1.30pm. eh.. but i was late.. yah.. things always happen when you are in the RUSH.. end up eating lunch at 2.30pm. heh.. went JP mos. Love the strawberry milk shake there! yah.. that my FAV!

later went shopping.. Yun always have a patten.. she will definitely shop for clothes.. Definitely! Always.. =P well, she got an additional reward today, a nice cute sales guy that attended to her.. very CUTE, is what she went on saying... (-_-'!|) even went to SEE the name.. JingCai if I remembered correctly...

Guess what?! we saw Xia was at JP too.. with her friend. she ask why never ask her out. there joking says, coz who ask her to 'fly plane' on us on MON. =P

some pics taken!

wahaha.. duno y she starts dancing around... Juz kiddin lar!

later Yun & Me wants to get a place to chat and was still early to meet Vin. so end up at the basement foodcourt. Yun went to order a bowl of 'ice kachang' coz she don't want being thrown out by the people there. haha...

YUN!

ME! stoning away...

cant finish!

met Vin at Northpoint. waw.. been so long we never meet. years... we went 925 for dinner.. we ordered too much food. ordered a bottle of heniken too. but me had a glass nia.. I should not be drinking today coz of my gastric. but I still continue... hehee... Vin took the bills today. but actually is coz he forgot how much le..

perhaps next time, out for dinner again then we take the bills bah..

lolx. I had a good laugh today. we are there recaping of sec sch... blah blah blah... and Vin is in his usual self... u noe lar... nonsense. =P Duno kena hit by Yun how many times le.... wahaha... Vin & his dream... Vin was kind of surprise that he dreamt about Yun lo...

Guess what drink I had?

Vin with his evil smile! =P

Vin ar, u remember what you did when tiz was taken? kekeke...

forced to smile ar???!! -_-"

after dinner, went to cold storage with this AUNTIE Yun. lalalala... she wanna get some stuff. we headed to the Yishun pond after that. been a long time since I been there. a place that I used to de-stress myself from A-MATH! a nice place to jog in the eveing....

yah, today I was abit emotionally down. both Vin & Yun was my listening ears. haiz.. we talked till we lost track of time. I missed my last bus home! argh~ $$ gone with the wind....

*big hugz* thanks for being there. well, things are getting back to track. yah, OKIE le! Right now.. everything is ok le! =)