Dear Bloggy... I am here again. Feeling sad. I know sub consciously I am stress up due to exams n work. But can't delined that family issues are the things gave the last break of my straw. Ah zhong, basically dont listen anymore. Whenever it don't please him, he just either flare up or keep rather still. Mum n Dad still no idea what's wrong. I want to make ah yen happier, not come back tv or slp. I can only trust Ruiyin to take care of him. I don't know if Ruiyin can take up the stress or not. I hate that fake friendly atmosphere around. I am doing all my best to keep everything in place. Do to help more life in the family, but I am getting tired. It's like clapping the hand with no one. It's all to myself.
I had a heavy dream yesterday.
Dream of being stuck in the flood area with my family. Struggling to save what we have and its important. I remembered I was getting the first aid kit organized. Trying to shrink wrapped all the relevant documents. Preparing cash on hand. Getting some photos. The flood is reaching soon.... and I woke up.
Its kind of heavy that I feel not good and restless. Felt distracted. Perhaps getting a bit tired with the responsibilities I have on my shoulders. Its not shrinking away, but getting worried. I can't put it down. Or perhaps can say I don't know how to put it down.
Hey yoz Bloggy...
Sometimes how I wish you are a real person.
Today... no just now... we quarreled. Actually what started off was ridiculous small and insignificant. Picking up a fight with someone is never back me off. Resisting me to one, push me further into it.
He hold back my arm, stop me from going. Pulling my bag in a cinema. I asked him why is he stopping me, he said he wanted me to cool down first. Perhaps he doesn't know by stopping me, it heated me up more. In the taxi we argued about all these. He did raise his voice a little. I know he is similarly pissed off. Fine, 'Point taken' was all I said in the end. No idea what was it referring to. I simply more pissed than ever.
I don't know does he really know what makes me so angry. I knew I said something that touch his ouch spot, but that's what I feel exactly at that moment of time. 'Deserted' may sound hush, standby me was someone else's boyfriend. Where is mine?? That's was back then. Happened long ago. The feelings hit me exactly the same just now.
In the taxi, a lot of things came back to me. I remember once, I was stopped by my Dad to hit a boy for stealing my train engine. Literally being stop. Dad's arm across me to prevent me moving forward. Till this point, I am still remember why. Someone else took my train set engine, and I cant defend myself for a little thief. My own dad stop me. Why?? I have no answer. In the end, the train set not able to play with anymore automatically because my train engine was taken by someone else.
Why me suffers?
Most people don't understand why I am so stubborn and aggressive. During my younger times, when I was being bullied, reporting to adults doesn't help. In the end, the most was being tick off for other party. But left behind was hurt on my own. My first slap to someone was when I am in primary school. That's was when I really blow my top. Although I got tick off later, I was not bullied anymore.
Stubbornness and aggressive has well protect me so long. I have survive so far.
I don't understand why he can't just pacify me or even support me at least....
Yesterday was the covation. In reality, I do understand that two tickets should let family go. I really do understand. But I confirmed he has completely forgotten he said he will meet me after the event. For so many months, I been looking forward to go and see him graduate. Although I can't go in the end, why can he forget what he said?
I am here again.... Perhaps I can only expressed myself in words....
Went drinking yesterday. Alone. This is the first time... I went back to the place I used to cry when I am sad and lost. I can't believed I went back there. I didn't cry yesterday. But I do now...
You know a silly me... waiting for the hand phone rings. It did rang. Just the TMA mates and others... I don't know why am I am waiting so hard.
Don't want to tell him anymore, the more I tell him, he do will do it in my way in the end. No point at all. He asked me if I want him to be out there, what is the point of asking? Even I said yes, he comes, its my pushing. What is the point?
I am very very stress these days. But I don't know why I felt so alone. I can't tell anyone. I know in very stress mode coz' my body has already told me so. I can't remember simple things, I can't think properly. My period had missed. I am so tired. In the end, I cried in this corner of mine. No one knows.
Want to tell him things. Since that swimming night, that night even passed by that dam.
Don't want to go his place anymore... Its always when there is something to do, I be there to do something. Why can't we spend a day without mediocre things???? I used to go there without any reason. Even, I don't get to see the other way. Do we need a reason just to meet? So many times, he came my house with a reason. Can be a mediocre thing like fixing a computer. The other is when I have already mad with him.
Don't want to tell him any more things, its only sorry I heard, he gets fed-up, and I get him to do the things that I want. No point anymore. By telling him, he move along the way that I want. Why?
There was a mediocre thing that I thought I can discuss it with him. The window period ending soon. Now I realized that its so mediocre that I can decide on my own. Decide for myself. Gal, you can decide for yourself. You are a big gal now. Be independent.
Slept good yesterday after drinking. Had a sweet dream. I bet I was smiling in my dreams. Felt bad its just a dream, to wake up to reality.
MLTR songs playing since that night. That night, not memories that came back. Its a sad feeling that came back. The feeling is so strong. I know these songs perhaps was heard when I was sad, very sad. But I don't remember what.
I am being sentimental, in Chinese I called it 感性. Perhaps I can't expect all to be like that. Perhaps call it - Put in too much.
i juz mad with him. Why?
That i heard fr clazz ninty five, something caught my attention. 'she does nt really knows what i want, i move on'. It caught me thinking, why is it si difficult to expresss my wantz ti him n hus ti me??? If is so hard now, how long this patience wil tarhan?? There r so many thungs i could not tell him. There r so many things i duno how to tell him. There r so many thungs that once the moment is over, it wont come back anymore... I hate being stuck here... Being no where...
Its been a long long time I been here. Exams coming soon. Study not much. Yet.
I had a dream last night. Woken up feeling stunned. Dream of walking down the aisle. With a simple of 'yes', its just a go ahead. Go ahead at the instance itself.
The mixed feelings I had is like, its not a fairy tale story. There are many many things to consider about. Its not only us. Its about so many other things. Its a contact that more has a lot more hassles than any other Proforma Invoices I've done.
so is getting hitch is just a about practical choice? Or people do it just for the sake of 'its time', 'I am old enough' or 'we been so long'?
Perhaps what I want to hear is just that, its all about me. Not other 'practical' reasons.
The upside of the dream is that, "Where is my ang bao?" from the first guest that arrive. Haha... o.O
Sometimes I wonder... why I only come here when I am sad...
I breakdown that night. First night of Lunar New Year. No one knows.
I am sick. I know. I am scared to see doctor.
Sometimes what I want is not just say bring me see doctor, but to understand why. I don't trust doctors. Sometimes somethings, is not ask it helps. Heart is what matters most. I can feel if the heart is there or not....Asked for medical help. Worried about cost. If per trip cost hundred plus, how many times I need to go? In the end, does it helps at all? Went to a professional care before. Couple of times. Wastes time, waste money. Confused medical explanations due to a messy and disorganized doctor. Mind you, its a big hospital. its just a job to this doctor. you can feel it. No heart. Money perhaps. Or hitting "patient-consultations" quota matters most.I am a little emotional strained. Sometimes I felt my energy and mental strength are drained off in many channels.
A little more love, is what I need.
Sometimes I wonder why. Sometimes I am with green eyes. When I see this someone go miles for that someone. I realized I do. But I also realized, there is no this someone for me.
I am a little scared to put in the same amount of love and initiative as for the club. Once bitten, twice shy. I remembered I go miles for this baby. But when it collapsed, my heart went dead with it.
Now, a little metal heart-ed. Coz' no idea if I can handle another blow if there is.
today is cny eve. Last nite got a fight. Same old issue tat they cant live with each other.. The nonsense is weighting me down, i juz want to go slp and never awake to face all this. Its the hurt in me living off me.. Eating me alive from inside. How painful it is.. Being happy is so hard is it?? It has become a luxxury... For me... I could have run away... But i cant... My kids... They are hurting too. How will they feel when they grow up? I already feel the pain that is eating me out....
Hey bloggy.. Its going to be end of weekend soon. Feeling depress abit. Well, these days going work is like going to war. No matter what issues or whom, things aren't running smooth. Breathing down my neck is what they did. I know bottom line is profit. Don't understand why L boss always use this sort of way to stress ppl up. Use bonuses, in reds etc. Damn sian. The year before told me abt office in red, last year was showing me the pl statement. A days back was saying something abt bonuses don't have. Zzzz... Feeling damn stress these days, chest have the tight compress at times. Didnt sleep well these days at all. The amount of load on me is weighing me down. Family, friends, health, future. I so worried ant yen everyday life, sometimes wonder what if i gone earlier then him, will he be ok? Worried abt my kids going wrong path. My health already affecting me. My period has been missing for months. Ate supplements as doc recommend, but don't seems to help. Well, funny thing is I always complain abt monthly period is a chore, but now isnt what i wanted??? But i am worried... What if one day got married and found out that the dream of two kids is dash, what can i do??? Its nt fair for him too.. His dreams of two would go down the drain too...
i am unhappy. Can i run far far away??? Away from all the people that i love n care? I can't.
Thats why i am stuck here... Save me.
dear bloggy ... I am so tired now. Of life at times too. I am happy now of sort but in the end at nite juz before i slept, i somehow was reminded nothing is forever. My family, my kids, my love. I have to go off one day. Meet my lord. U know how sad it felt?? Even wake up, its not juz a bad dream that i can tell myself, but something that will happen one day.
I am scared.
but who can i talk to abt my fear? Everyone faces what i face...
Yesterday I had dinner with the club people. Been a nice evening. Hope the rest enjoy themselves. Gift exchanged too. Hope the girl don't get too disappointed after unwrapping mine. I think my wrapper too striking and too hopeful.
Well, the conclusion I had yesterday was that the group comprise of too many types of characters.
Some shy shy.
Some anything also ok.
Some very enthusiastic.
Some just don't considered others' feelings.
aiya, don't know lar... If I am in good old days, I could have boycott people whom is out to move the group into a different directions. I remember the guy T that I did that to when I in schooling time. Created so many trouble then.
Now, I already boh-cham. Is more of a social group to hang out together. So, not my problem even though some seems out of the group. Sometimes I feel sad that people seems to be out of the circle. I mean we are used to be friends that had fun, now seems off the circle.
Talked with Aaron yesterday briefly. In the end, I don't know whom to side or do what to resolve the invisible wall that seems to constructed. I knew the problem all along, but it is like do I need to take things in my hand? I appreciated that friendship I had with him earlier (and now still), just that he seems drifting off... haiz... how to pull him back?
Is like, there are some north, south poles magnet and metal nature exist in the group. If you introduce one south pole, north pole will attracted and south poles repel away. While some metals will attract no matter what is the magnet pole. I know metal natural is the best to exist in any social circle. But neither I have a metal nature within me. I has a magnet nature!!
Sometimes I tried to be more understanding and flexible. Be abit of metal nature to preserve all the friendships that exist in this wonderful social circle. That is why sometimes Di cannot tarhan. Sometimes I find him no love to the social circle. But I know he know the limits and I know he doing the way I can't bring myself to do it, so in the end he seems to be the bad guy.
Anyway, just finish some documentations for the insurance thingy. Damn lor sor... haiz... Need documentations here and there... Already gave them the permission to get the clinical abstract, still come bug me with medical conditions that SHOULD HAVE in the clinical abstract. If I know what is the exact contents and medical terms, I would have become a doctor right? $%%$^%$^. I feel that it is just covering asses procedures should the premiums need to be paid.
Same as the medical institution I went earlier. So business like. Where is the medical CARE that government always says. Even the doctor I that she is so messy on her desk and personality, how can I trust her? FUCK off...
Upon thinking about the above, the latest Saw 6 plot came into my mind. Sometimes I think the head of such insurance corporations should go watch.
I don't believe "Angel" corporations exist. Business mean Business. When money at strike, asses need to covered. Matter most is - whose asses.
I cannot go back sleep. Only slept 4 hours and wake up by a bad bad dream.
Dad pass on. but do see this soul. Talked to him too. I cried very hard. very hard. I ran away from the funeral procession. Gor came running after me. In the end, he lead me back. I was still crying. I have to gathering 10 essential items for Dad, I don't remember the things much.
- Theresa Teng CD
- Bak Gua
- Cheng Ting
- Family Photo
I woke up when I want to gather last 2 items.
I started to cry. Even is just a dream. It feels so real. I even have the "after effect crying" feeling when I woke up. I started to cry again. I don't know why. It really scare me.
When my late grandpa pass on, dejavu hit me. Exactly the same. I knew what is happening next at the procession - what people will say and do etc. That's was then I realized I did dream about late grandpa pass on. I told mum what happen, but she brush it off.
Seems I am a nut case.
Dreams like these... scared me. Scared that it will happen.
Now, sitting here realized something. No matter what he did, he is still my dad. I should accept what he did. I still love him after all. I can't bear to see he leave. I will still collapse if he is gone.
Hatred is just a negative feeling at times. But people says, in the end 尘归尘,土归土.
The whole phrase & meaning is actually:
ashes to ashes, dust to dust;
in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection unto eternal life……
I am in a daze now. Things going wrong. the Card I making, size don't tally. Worry lack of money if anything goes wrong. Need to maintain the connections with people so it won't appear using them when you need them. Worry about work. Stress at work. Stress that Ah Yen cannot cope with life. Cannot cope with work. Scared that Ah Zhong fall into bad company. Scared that Ah Mei meet accidents or strangers when she go out herself. Scared she cannot make it in school. Scared that they don't have happy times. Scared that they face the same thing as me. blah blah blah...
EVERYTHING IS WEIGHTING ME DOWN!
I closed the door and cry. Who knows.
Tried to organized camping overnight, only the kids seems excited. Mum & Dad no comments. Treat as never hear it. I already trying my best to keep my family together. I don't want to force. I don't want to face the same moment because I cried Dad stay for a while to blow Ah Zhong birthday candles. He went off straight after the song. You know I hate it so much.
Since young, I always thought family is together. Mum and Dad is always there. I took it for granted. There is no happy ever after at all. I have childhood happy memories where family outings are so happy. I want to give my kids the same things too. But in the end, only we four going to the campping. Ourselves.
I WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM. WHAT THEY WANT???? THEY BRING US INTO THIS WORLD, FOR WHAT. TO ENDURE THE VOID IN MY HOUSE NOW? I FEEL SO UNLOVE. I TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING BACK NORMAL, BUT IT IS NOT. EVERYDAY IS TO ENDURE THE STUPID FAKE NORMALNESS IN THE HOUSE.
These days been involuntary imagine if I die... Thinking how many percent should go to my kids... Sometimes I told Di about my issues, I cried a lot in the end. Although I am sad, I want to share with him how I feel. But I scared that Di is sicked of me, my crying, my worries. In the end, I seems to put on that mask and cry to myself. Like here now.
But I love my kids. I just read about suicide survivors. How they cope with the questions and shame withe someone pass on in suicide cases. I realized that they might have malfunction or has a void in their life in the future. I always imagine if I am gone, how Di's life will be. Will he back to his old self? Talk to the wall. Stare at the TV etc etc. I don't know. The only thing that is keeping me alive is them. Sometimes, I don't know how to tell them life is good. Ultimately everyone will face death. I so scared to tell them the truth. I been crying to sleep many years when I suddenly realized that ultimately I will die and everyone is away from me. I am so scared.
I feel so helpless. I been trying to keep myself sane. Trying to. I am really exhausted. I really feel so sad. Hurt. I heard voices out there. Others is still revolving outside my room door. But I am crying here.
Who knows anything???? No one.
I just want to record my feelings now...
We have a fight on Wed night. Till now, yet resolved. Di sent me a message last night after I slept. After I sms him good nite. He mentioned that I am making him feeling horible.
I was waiting for his sms before I doze off. When I wake up very early in the morning, I saw his missed call and 2 messages. I never read the message yet till I wake up fully. Coz I looking forward to the message, perhaps something will touched me like the one in Bangkok. I anticipate it. I was so wrong.
His SMS just consist of one clear message. I reply back when I am going to work. A long message consisted of 8 SMS. My true feelings. I don't know how he will interprate it. Was debating with myself should I wake him up for the morning call and talk to him? Will he have a good mind to talk? Will I spoilt his day when he opens his eyes? In the end I choose not to wake him up by the morning call and SMS him instead.
How silly am I? I still got worried if he can wake up in time for work.
Finally got his message. He asked do I want to watch movie with him today. I was completely taken off guard. We are still fighting, how come still ask such a qns? I really don't know how and what to reply him. I told him the truth. Told him that I am taken off guard and needed a talk.
Well, we going to meet tonight and have a talk. Place I set it at National Musemum. It is my happy memories with him.
I don't how the talk will go tonight. I am thinking of the worst. Maybe we have to go seperate ways after tonight. If he asked, I don't know what will be my answer be. For I know, I will be more disappointed and upset than angry.... if he choose to let me go....
I want his love and hugs which I can't get....
All the best tonight gal. No matter what happens, Be Strong.
This morning I have a sudden urge of energy building up in me. Is like the body preparing for a battle of sort. Is a sub conscious thing.
Some thoughts came into my mind. Is about Gor’s late mum. It happened on my late auntie’s funeral wake. The final night. His jerk dad brought over the mistress’s son. Considered half brother I think. There was a sort of commotion when someone board cast that illegitimate son was coming. I don’t remember if Gor did lost his cool. But I remembered my mum dragged him one side to talk. I guess was those, “What done is done, let it go” stuff of talk. I think only my mum was the calmest of all that night. After all, late auntie already sort of acknowledges the existence of this illegitimate.
I think, if I was in Gor’s shoe that time, I don’t think I will be so calm to accept what is already there. Accept can, until I made a mark. Perhaps I will pretend to accept and agree to let the illegitimate to be present then. You know, that mistress never appeared that night actually, can see how embarrass her action was. The bastard was fetched over by the jerk father. He came alone. Dare to do it, be sure you dare to show face. Coward mother. Seizing the little boy is not a problem. Mind you, he was about 4 years then. What I want will be the mistress to be present and kowtow in front of late auntie’s wake. And suffer humiliation in front of everyone. So, grab the boy and threaten to break the arm till I see the mistress is present.
Well, I know the above scenario is not able to happen. Why? Because even before the mistress arrive, I believe the police had came.
Anyway, I never really treat the boy well that next day which was the burial day. He happened to be in my care for a while. I shoved him again and again. I think my parents saw what I did, that’s why they took over. My parents never scold nor question me. For I believed that they know what I am feeling. Poor boy, should been scare and confuse then. I wasn’t feeling guilty. Even until today. I just regretted that I wasn’t much older then to think more to do more. That illegitimate should have grown up and be told that his existence on this Earth is redundant and cause pain and death of another person.
I can’t hold down the feelings I had. I can’t accept betrayal in any promises made. Although is not my problem, but I can’t help to feel sorry.
That’s why news articles that report the wife turned violent due to the infidelity; I can’t help to feel sad. For the woman. There are reports that the wife actually burns the groin of the husband while he is sleeping. I actually understand how it feels. I am happy for what the wife did. Caused the husband deserved what he had. You know how sad the wife felt then to hurt someone she loved so much? Is the pain that drive her to a corner.
People will give reasons like, “Is their own family issue, we outsiders should not interfere. It takes 2 hands to clap. We won’t know who is in the wrong. Or the wife is not loving as before” etc. Not a very solid reason that I can accept. If between them has a problem, the husband should not seek solace in other women.
Should I live in olden days, I may be the one whom ordered the adulteress to be drown in pig cages while the adulterer watch on. He won’t be allowed to die.
You know how it felt when I feel helpless on what he is facing?
I talk to him today thu' MSN. I have wronged him. He had things preoccupied in his mind. Not things about us. But confuse about life. I know he is unhappy with stuff, disappointed with what life gong to give him. I feel the same, but I never say a word. Strangely I told him a branch of words that I know it is correct but things I don't really know how to go about it. I wasn't angry with him. But more of disappointed with him for leaving me out of his problems but not share with me... Am I not dependable?
This is the 2nd night of a long weekend. 2nd night that I going to cry myself to sleep I think.
Coincidentally, I just read something from a book. Love is never a 50-50 balance equation. It can be a 70-30 or 60-40. Am I the one whom loves him more?
I can't help to think in this way. Today isn't the first time I felt this way. Every time, I tried to push him away to see if we really meant for each other, I am always the one whom regret in it later. Is like, I want to run down a path so he can follow me but in the end I slowed myself down just in case he give up chasing.
Like a while ago, he went to loan someone's car for tomorrow Jalan Raya. I understand that he may need to wake up early morning for prayers tomorrow. But deeply I hope he will drive to find me for a while. I never on mobile phone tone at home or anywhere. But I just turned it on earlier, hoping he will be downstairs. My special ringtone for his mobile number did rang. Before I pickup the call, I told myself he cares after all. Then, he told me he already reach home.
2 years back, when he got a motorbike, he purposely drove over to pass me a DVD he ordered for me. He don't exactly have my address then. But managed to drop it at my letter box. Lovely isn't it?
This incident is the one moment I deeply remember. Since then, no other incident did overwrites it.
People will tell me, "Guys are block heads, must tell them what to do then you get what you want." The thing is, what is the point of telling them, just to get the result? Yes, by telling them what you want, you can get what you wanted eventually, but is it the main point? No, is like getting the things done without the initiative to do so.
If one cares, there is no need to be told to do so.
Like what I always said, I seem getting tired to run after him. To him, what meant to be is meant to be. To me, it doesn't mean it will drop from the sky from just sitting there.
A relationship is like having a pot of flowers. It needs water, sunlight and nutrients. Is not like cactus. It requires time to nurture it. When you love something, one will automatically do what is needed. Extra love and care.
I am so scared that the extra care and love I have for him will diminish one day.
Plain words of "I love you" doesn't mean anything if it is not meant so. Repeating every time doesn't mean more, it may be just repetition like a forever-loop Java code. You know, like a SOP.
Sometimes I wonder if he knows he is repeating the words again when multitasking his chores and me on the phone. I was seldom the priority.
"I call you back" becomes "Time to end the call. I doing some chores and talk to you tomorrow" to me. At times he called back. At times I doze off sleeping. At times I woke up the next day and realized no call or SMS after all. Sometimes when I woke up in the morning, how I wish to have a good morning message or a good nite message that was left after I slept.
I know he cares. But how much worth I have in his heart? 80-20?
Always wonder, did he even ever come here to see my thoughts?
I started to hate my Fridays....
hey bloggy... I am back again... I know I always turn to you when something on my mind. I know you don't mind... haha... This is a delayed post of last week, been wanting to come over, but always another excuse of not surfacing online...
Today perhaps now, I am not really happy nor unhappy... Just neautal for once.
That day I went over to Di's house crying. I cried while waiting for bus. Even the person up above is trying to be funny to me. There is no taxi to flag at all. So cry all the way to YCK in the bus.
You know why I cried? Because I realized that I will be seeing Di soon which will remind me what is between of us. The huge rock in between. I missed his hugs, laughers, jokes, console and accompany always. But I can't shake it off the thought that there is something missing between us.
A common path of belief.
I seek answer from him one of the weekday. I got his answer from him. He told me he would want to believe more in his religion. He felt that people are more happy when they have some faith. He hoping me to have some belief too. Hope not force.
Upon hearing this, I felt my heart sank. Tears rolled down quietly. Because I realized that is either him or me. To compromise. To give up the identity of oneself. Normally people expect the lady partner to change and believe what the guy believe in. Di blurted out that he will compromise, upon seeing me in tears. I can't help to feel more hurt as I feel that he has to give up his belief to be with me. Is like either me or his religion. I feel bad, sad and lost. I don't want him to be like that.
The choice left is if I want to be with Di, I have to believe in what he has been brought up with or seperate with him. I don't want the latter one. But is there any other choice? Its a opportunity cost sort of situation. I can't have both sides of the world and strike a balance in between.
Simple things like fasting, I never tried it. The most I had is skip lunch. Lack of water is a No-No for me. The knowledge I had on why need to fast, is that so oneself can understand the poor suffering without food / water. However, my question is - why fast when end of the day more food is consume after breaking fast? I don't understand.
There is a girl whom eat vegetables only because his boyfriend is a vegetarian. That's sweet isn't it? They are people whom I know personally. I still eat pork when not with Di. I don't touch common heavy pork meals like "Bak Gu Teh" or "Guay Chap" anymore as I can't take the smell already. However, I still eat sliced meat when at home. Some times, I feel that the frequency that Mum cook the pig necktie or the ngor hiap for me to eat is cause in case I can't eat any more in the future. I feel sad. For Mum. I always cried when I think of this.
I eat beef for instance, but actually my brought up forbid me to do so. I still eat beef from time to time cause I don't see what is the real reason for not so. Same for pork I guess. To me, everything is just a belief.
You may ask me why I so insist of not believing in a religion. Why am I so pain in the ass. Is like something is not physically there to believe in. My reason to the existance of religion is that, it was created long long time ago as human mental is weak, they need some thing supernatural to exist up there to calm them down or confidence without fear. Its like a central of gravity in humans. To make them strong & stable, a faith that keep people sane. Or something to turn to when encounter a obstacle. See, my understanding is this: It was created not really exist.
I always ask this question, what if after the end of your life journey, you found out that it is all a fraud? I always think that death is a forever sleep. No floating around or what-so-ever. I am scared still, caused if that is the case, when we come to the forever sleep, we will lose everything that matters to us alot. Like family. We lose all our contact. The intense fear envelops me whenever I think of this. That, ultimately we will go one day. No route to escape. Its a truth not a myth. It will happen to everyone of us one day.
I respect Di's religion still. Try my possible best not to overturn his belief in him. But how correct am I? His is accurate or mine? I don't think I will have a perfect answer from anyone as it depends whom I speak to. Like, if I speak to a priest, he will say Lord is up there. If you speak to a scienctist, will tell you stars is up there. See, you get fish when you speak to a fish.
So how thick is the shell that is around me? Will I break though one day and found enlightenment?
A half glass water is always half empty to me.
This is a weekend that is just for me. Meant for me. Not busy with something or someone else.
Had a fight with Di on Friday night. Something that I don't really know how to put into words here.
There are a lot of times that I wish we can live and walk down the path forever. To have a family that is belong to us and support each other when life brings joy and turbulence to us. I long to have such. Is it a fairytale? Or it can happen?
But sometimes I seek perfection. A person with passion whom disregards the reality of life.
Is like, my love for photography once that shook me . I really don't know whom can fully understand my love for it then. Sacrificing time, academic results and some friends for the hobby. Yes, there was times that I was the only one whom roam the dark streets of the night with my camera. Some people don't understands why. But there was no regrets. Love for the expression of my feelings thu' the lens.
That's was all, I guess. Not sure anything that came that close.
For some, perhaps that is obsession. To me that passion. I dare to say I deeply in love once. After I lost this love, life gets plain. Been seeking to find back. Tried and failed. Completely given up. Hopeless now.
Families are responsibilities that can't be taken off this lifetime. Lover perhaps can come that close if he can forsake the reality of life.
Sometimes I want to just elope with my guy. To go far far away and love each other till end of time. Giving up all the mediocre of life. Live as per today. I don't understands why some things or rules are to be observe. Having a grand wedding doesn't guarantee anything. Perhaps I can't bring myself to believe a marriage certification can brings. Looking at my parents, I am stuck. Just like the song by Kelly Clackson - Because of you. See the MTV clip, you will understand.
When I choose to love him, I should have know how much changes there will be. But I didn't know these are so overwhelming. I have so many doubts that questions what he believes in. I believed in Science for example. My guy did mentioned that we can go see a teacher to pose him all the doubts I have. It will be a very very long list of questions to be asked. Hope it won't drive the teacher up the wall. Sometimes I don't know that long list of questions is being drawn up by me because I have doubts or just refuse to believe what others believe in. Is like a Chicken or Egg first question. You pose it to different persons, you get different results, but there won't be any model answers to verify with.
Sometimes I don't know where we are heading to.
Do we need to see a counselor?
If I get to marry off with my love one day, this is the song that I will play along with my salsa dance with him.Tata Young › I BelieveBecause I finally get across the demons I have and believes the happiness that we are seeking together. I believe in LOVE.
I feel the heat around me
I feel the beat surrounds me
Could this be for real, I wonder
No need for hesitation
Its time for celebration
Will this be the night Ive waited for
When angels fall in love
Heaven knows, does it show, oh
If this love, will last for eternity
Set me on fire
I believe, I believe in love
And like the stars above
They shine, let it shine over me
Set me free I believe in you
And that our love is true
Oh I believe, I believe
I see that people dancing
Boys and girls romancing
They want this to last forever
Cause underneath the moonlight
Everything is alright
Were reaching our hands up in the air
To where the souls alive
Heaven knows, that it shows oh
If this love, will last for eternity
Set me on fire
I believe, I believe in love
And like the stars above
They shine, let it shine over me
Set me free I believe in you
And that our love is true
Oh I believe, I believe
How could I doubt, what was meant to be
Everything I needed was in front of me
Your healing touch, will lift me up in the sky, so high
Today neither PMSing or anything.
I have started to live life with schedules. Week by week, day by day... I got kind of tired today, as I over stretched last week. Perhaps I getting old bah... Can't chiong too much at night. Get kind of sleepy around 3am...
Don't know what happen to me these days. Wanted to pack as much things as possible into my 7 days a week schedule. Even I don't have anything up on the list, there is always some other things running in my mind or tapping on this 'free time. Can be shopping for household stuff, clearing room, house chore etc etc.... Is this typical Singapore mid life?? hmmm....
Its not that I don't have leisure time. I do enjoy going out to meet my cliques... sometimes is like pack 2 days for such events... Then in the end, I felt my weekend gone... Its Monday again.
This Rat Race cycle just keep going on and on... Its wearing me out...
Perhaps I am trying to draw my that Bucket list out. To see how much things is undone. To be done before I kick the bucket....
Time is running short....
Today this mother duck brings her little ducks out for dinner... Although I have a dinner that don't worth the money, but I did enjoy the time. I love walking home with my kids. We talk we laugh. I was stoning while they are playing at the playground slide.
I was stoning. Thoughts just run in and out of mind. Random. Seeing the kids playing around, I felt I am so blissful to have my kids with me. Although we fight, I scold, they cried, at times; we are still brothers and sisters.
Suddenly, I felt fear. Because I realized this is not forever. We will die someday. Where will I go, I yet know and won't know. I am scared. I also scared what will happen to my kids if I were to go anytime. I worried for Ah Yen. Will he be able to survive in this world of terror? Worried for Ah Zhong. Will he mix with wrong company one day? Worried for Ah Mei. Will she be con by someone one day. I don't know. I seriously want to keep them under my wings. To protect them from unseen dangers. Dangers that is lurking around and strike you when you unnoticed.
Is that dream warn me something? Red flood at my house...
I am so scared.
All these been running in my mind for some time.
What is marriage? What is it for? What does it symbolized? !!
To me it is a certificate. A piece of paper that legally pronounce you man and wife in the eyes of the law.
Some people says its a promise that hold 2 person together. But who never ever break one? People always have tons and tons of reasons of doing so. But what is accepted what is not? I don't see any reason can be substantial.
It takes 2 hands to clap. But doesn't mean that the person will clap with another for the rest of the life. 'The Rest of the Life' can be mean 30 years, 40 years, 50 years or more.
These days I see lots of negative side of marriage. Be it an affair, be it a divorce, be it a half time for couples. Things just went off track just like that. So where is the "They lived happily ever after"?
Perhaps I scared the shit out of me. Just think too much.
Perhaps I wanted something or someone to swept me off my feet. You know, that sort of impact that caused you to be sure of your decisions. Like make me sure of the route I going to walk.
I am confuse. Fear consumed me. Its tiring me up.
I told Di the other day. I look forward to living 2 lives together. Having kids etc. But not the cert. I guess that the cert is like a certified-chop-sold thingy. Even you don't change your mind, doesn't mean that the other won't. There is no forever. So why let that cert set the boundary?
I don't know~ really~ confused. Don't want to lose a person I love. But ... Can I aim for 100% ???
Its a weekend. Friday. A day I love most.
But I am not happy today.
- Parties of the weekends out (Many many years ago~)
- Coffee / Tea and chit chat till wee hours
- Alone. Stoning. Or reading a novel at some cafe.
- Nua-ing at some beaches
Today is another day I don't think I am very contented with myself. Although I can choose to stone somewhere after work, don't know why I headed home for dinner. Not because of upset stomach, but just no mood to do anything else.
Di is busy with his studies, projects and exams.
Outstanding projects around my room.
Hotel yet book.
Emails yet reply.
Homework yet do.
But I just refuse to attend to them.
I just duno what to do. now. Don't really like the TV. Nothing much to surf online. No books to read.
My little refugee camp is pre-occupied now. I have no where to go but home. I think I am just not a homely person.
How I wish it rains now. I want to go into the rain at least.
Someone is going Bintan soon. Although he going alone, I envy him. Alot. 4 Days 3 Nights, nothing to worry about. Just stare at the sea, sky and sun.
How I want to be like that.
I went there once. Its too short for me. I don't mind sit at the beach chair, and finish a lovely novel. Seeing life passes through is also fine.
Pack, Go and leave mobile at home. Just Go.
How come I have so many pull-backs? argh~
oooo!! my dear bloggy!!
My birthday just past 2 days ago~ old le >.<"
This year's birthday I felt blessed. Received a lot of wishes... Appreciate all the messages that came in...
So how it started?
Xia, Di and I went Yun's house for steamboat that Good Friday weekend. wow... we bought alot of things from SSC Giant. Well, we girls prepared the food in the kitchen, and my beloved Di was in the living room play PSP! haha... I think he felt out of place with us 3 messing up the kitchen! At least he is in charge of washing up after that.
Dinner was great! Abit too full. Actually not full, its bloated.
What surprised me was the 3 had bought a cake! My dear Yun still weaved a wonderfull story of 'Mum bought a cake, help her finish'. LOLz... I was very touched with their thoughts. I cried. er... a few tear drops here and there la.. wahaha... It was a very special cake: a Jackfruit cake!! Never eat such cake before... Yun bought from Armara hotel.
The girls bought me a beautiful necklace & earrings set. Very pretty. Very the girl...
Di gave me a huge box that cannot open till actual day. -___-" That box is just like the size of the "Good Guy" doll in Child's play... wahahaha... I never receive such a big item.
This day is very meaningful to me. I don't know... Maybe I feel contented with the girls and Di to celcebrate my birthday like this. It may not be grand of sort, but its peacefully enjoying each others accompany.
I am refering to the LOVE structure outside Fish & Co opposite PS. Di & I had a dinner on Tuesday. When we are leaving, we realized its gone!! I got a cake from him. A yellow pencil box too! ya... a one that I need it badly. Lovely.
Oh ya... I got for myself a Creative ZEN Vision M with the help from Di. wahaha... Its a special offer from Creative due to old series (I hope this is the real reason, not spoilt or anything). I think that is what I need I guess. Well, this add to the list of items in my bag for any outing:
* Pencil Case
* Zen Player
Realize mobile phone is not in the list? yeah right... Its optional for me. I love go MIA for a day or two or more... haha... Just at some cafe stoning.
PS: Super old model. No more case. Still looking for a decent leather case for it. dotz... wish me luck...
Another thing, Di booked flights to HCMC too. Machim birthday present like that. hoho... This is an impulse buying I guess. Hotel yet book till now. Good Luck to me! I can't believe that I will be on a plane to somewhere that far where language will pose a slight problem. heh~ Looking forward to it.
On the actual day, surprise me more was that my colleague remembered my birthday!! omg~ 2 mini cakes from her. Both are my fav: Black Forest & Tiramisu. She bought from Emi. So cute!! I appreciated that.
Its always my family tradition to have a cake on birthdays. I don't why, but I think it had cultivate my belief that Birthday is not a normal day. Its a important & special day for each of us.
Mum bought me a cake. That cake was cute!! Its a little doll girl on the cake. The baker makes it in a way that the cake is the gown of the doll. Pink color hair somemore. OMG~ so princess. hehe...
My whole family is around the table singing birthday song with me. I am really very happy!!!
Open presents time!!!
My little Zhong can never hold secrets. He so tempting to tell me what in there, even I act I don't want to know. wahaha... The wrapper was very cute. Have lots of little cows cows cut-outs done by him. Even there is a one that had a 'poo' behind it!! My kids and Mum bought me a tripod! I think Mum got help from Di.... must be de....!! hehehe....
Finally I get to open Di's huge present. Guess what? Its not another Eeyore from him, but a Phillips HiFi. Black in color which what I like. Very thoughtful of him as I have just throw the old one away to make space for my new wardrobe. Now need to clear some space for this little new introduction to my room... yeah~
I still can't forget my 21st birthday party. I think I can't let go of the age. haha... I 'nian nian er shi yi' =P
Lots of birthday wishes came in. My girl Xia, polymates, my club friends, sch mates, my lovely daughter, my A-Math teacher, Jasmine etc etc. Sweetie too! Yun even called me in the morning! Of course I won't forget about my Di Di... hehe...
Not forgeting, a card came in a week before. The usual person that is always so thoughtful through out all these years.
There is a message that I am not expecting. I think Yun also stunned abit.
I am grateful for all the messages & wishes that came in. Its like reminding me how bless I am with friends and family that remember me. It telling me that my existance is worthwhile after all.
Thanks people!! I love you guys that much.
These days I have funny dreams. Some can be weird and scary, some is just outright funny and illogical. But the dreams is quite disturbing to my nights. It took up a great deal of my sleep time and waking up feeling more tired. haiz... I also envy dar dar that he can fall asleep throughout the night, no dreams to disturb.
I had a funny dream last night. It consist of people I don't know. Perhaps I get to meet them later part of my life? haha...
Because of this dream, I suddenly remember this person when I wake up. During school days, I gave a very wrong impression to someone. Our timings after school always clashed, so get to meet him from time to time. He was a funny person, likes to joke; a nice person to talk with. I still remember after recess when going back to classes, we get to meet along the way too. I always the last person to line up in class while he was the class monitor, he gets to line up first in class.
Well, as the days goes by something evolving that I never realized till he got my house phone from my classmate!! That was when I realized a gave a wrong impression to him that I like him!! Omg~! It created a little hoo-haa that I was kind of embarrassed to seen with him. Oh Gosh~ I started to avoid him. Haha.. That was obvious then... There are times I made a U-Turn when I saw him walking my way or at my destination, and there are times he saw that U-Turning! *opz*
I don't remember how we distant in the end. We get on with our lives. But I never gave him any chance to explain anything. Think back, I should give him one chance to explain and clear the doubts in the air. Seeing me avoiding him hurts I guess. Well, avoiding all gossips was all in my mind then. That why I made such a hustle "withdrawal".
Perhaps I am keen to meet him again to say I am sorry.
Its nearly 4am in the morning. 3rd day of the Lunar New Year... Yen's birthday...
I am sick. with block nose. can't sleep. not tired. upset and crying.
He's gone for the night again. Don't know where. Should I call or not? Always wonder should I probe further. I started to distance myself from him. I have my doubts. Keep telling myself I think too much. But where is my answer on his whereabouts on Sat nights to Sunday? Mum even remind him of his medicine before he go. When sis asked Mum where he go, Mum says don't know. Does she?
I breakdown that night. I cried. So hard and uncontrollably. Mum cried too. Mum mumbled not to worried about her. For what reasons she said that? I don't know. I just cried in her arms.
I saw that bitch mobile number on my dial out numbers because he used my mobile due to low batt. Why? I was numbed when I saw that number. Completely. Thats why I hope I get drunk with wine that night. Hopefully when I get up today , its just a dream. However it wasn't.
I don't know should I confront.
Images of Gor's mum came to me. I am so scared. Will I go thu' the same agony that I had?
What if I choose to confront and the undesirable truth face me? I have no mind set to face it.
I can't talk to anyone. I don't know whom to talk to. I need is a Saint to revert things back to as before.
I don't know where to go. I don't know what should I do. I don't know.
I want to run. Far away. But I got my kids. I can't.
I am trapped.
I am mad.
Mad with the system, with the person that handle issues.
Is like bringing a child to a high grounds and let her fall hard... Never ever give false hope to a child... Does everyone knows that??!!!
All along my sis thought that she could go... not just a 'reserve'...
I don't know how my sis going to react.
Just because Mum scared that the teacher may find difficulties to my sis next year if under her again, do we need to let the issue off?
hey there... some how I am glued to the TV these days. I finally bought the DVD for the HK TVB series War & Beauty. Actually plan to watch them during Nov & Dec where I am more free. But eagerness seem to ruin my plans!! Yeah, I know its an old show... I had a hard time finding it ok? Wait so long for the price to drop.... hehe...
Channel 8 did broadcast this series a few monthes back. However I missed one whole big chunk of the episodes. This show attached to me was that I like this actress Charmaine Sheh. (PS: I am not a les.) I like her acting bah... Not so sure why... I love her shows. She has these sparkling eyes that I believe it never fail to capture any guys' heart. Am I correct? She always portrays ladies whom has a strong character, but also has a weaker side.
What I really like about this show is should be the costume bah. Very pretty. I love those collars!! Sometime I wonder do those ancient ladies wore those headgears. Damn heavy I guess, with so much jewels, flowers & hairpins on it.
Another reason of my interest? erm... Because of the "Cats-Fights" I think. Well, this show portraits how royal concubines trying to secure the Emperor's favor during Qing Dynasty China, with corruption, intrigue and outright deceit being the weapons of choice. These women were willing to manipulate, betray and even kill just about anyone in order to get what they wanted. woah....
Another character that is very interesting is Yuet (portray by Sheren Tang). She is a initially favored concubine who eventually fell out of favor with the Emperor after losing a power struggle with the Empress. She is also initially known for her rather bullying demeanors.
The story get very interesting when the manipluation gets so "out-of-hand".
I don't really understand Canto. But I been watching it in Canto. They sound cute. Learn some words here and there.
Yup, me & my 3-minutes craze..... XD
I fall in love once. Deeply.
Surprising not with someone. o.O Is with something.
I was looking thu' my backup CDs for my BBQ shopping list and stumble lots of things that I thought was already deleted. It brings backs lots of memories. I was smiling to myself for it. These are a few:
- Those complain letters drafts. A few of them. To complain about that irritating-shortie-act gentle-witch. haha...
- Discussion of the presidency.
- A power point slides which summaries the 1st game outing at Changi Beach. (I was the game master!!! hehee...)
- Photos. And lots of it. Fish Farm, CCK Cemetary, Krangi Memorial etc etc...
- A Song. Learn this song at the 1st Leadership Camp. Was together with this someone during the camp. A buddy thu' the rough times. Someone whom was close to me. Whom will seat down with to listen. A person whom is gentle to everyone. I miss her.
Richard Marx & Donna Lewis - At The Beginning. The song blast though my speakers. It has a very huge sensation. It hit me. The emotions are too overwhelming. It is kind of mixed with hurt, happiness etc etc. Very hard to put into words. Tears came rolling down. It strucked me. I once fall in love with it. Too much till it still affect me somehow.
Sometimes I want my that love back. That type of passion I had. 感性.
Is sad that I had a hard time finding someone really understands my this feeling . There are people telling me is over. Telling me life is like that. Things come and go. No need take it too hard. No point putting so much effort into things.
I always feel: To be able to love that deeply, it means I live.
All the while, I acknowledged myself as a free thinker. A one believe in Science. But funny is sometimes I am scared of ghosts. I am interested in them, go search for them. But don't know what to do if they appear in front of me. (heehee...)
Di asked me, why I don't believed in religion. My answer is simply: Because no scientific reasons proven. So where does chickens or Human come from, he asked? To him, it is created by God. To me is a evolution of the Universe. Man are evolved from apes. Like our modern Elephants from Mammoths (aka Manfred from Ice Age).
A few years back while working at Canon roadshow, got this Muslim guy explained to me about the religion. Like where does the Qur'an from, where you go after you die, what practices they follows. He even quoted me some negative examples off the streets on the spot. He is quite a strict follower I guess.
The stories he told me, I think I got a little scared. Especially it came to the part of the after-life, aka Judgment Day. It did set me thinking, will it really happen? Will I get separated from those I loved? The 'treatments' is like the Chinese stories we all heard since young: 18 levels of Hell. sama sama.
Ever since 3 years old, I have a fear. At that time after the funeral of my late grandpapa, I always wonder where he go. Does he still with us as a spirit, like in the TV shows. I am happy if he was like that. Some other times I explained to myself, it is like a deep sleep that never wakes up. Whenever my mind reached this point, I will get so scared that I cried out so loud that set my mum n dad came running into my room. I can't explained to them the reason why I cried. Is like don't know how to tell them my fear. After so many years, this thinkings still huant me sometimes. I still cry but sliently. Perhaps I am still not sure how to answer to my actions or perhaps I fear to see the fear in my parents' eyes that they are facing the same doubts/fears.
Does religion explain to us where we will go later on? How come different religions tell different stories? So who is correct? What if I choose something which in the end is wrong? Where will I ended up?
Wanting to find someone to talk to, but who? God knows~
To be with him, I am very happy & feel bliss. Although sometimes I complain, it is just nothing serious. (juz PMS-ing hehe...). He is good to me. I am touched that he does understand my roles & responsibilities as the eldest. He does spent time with my kids. My kids accepted him. And I am happy about it.
I hoping to have a long term relationship with him. It is like those in the fairy tales "And they live happily ever after." I am looking forward to that. When I look far far and really very far ahead, I faced choices now. It is not the cultural differences. It is the Religion.
Initially my thoughts was: I will not convert if I don't believe in it. But if I don't, how should I teach my kids? I thought perhaps like Grandma & late Grandpapa. Grandpapa was a Buddhist while Grandma is a Christian. What a wishy thought I have! One possible scenario will happen if I don't convert: "Mama, why you need not fast?? Can I follow you instead of Papa?" I will be there stunned with loss of words. haha... Am I correct?
If I convert, but don't really or fully believe in it, is it an insult to it? To me, it is. I don't wish to insult something that is pure in nature. Is just I don't know how to make myself believe in one thing.
Although I still don't quite understand why pig is an "unclean" animal, but I can give up pork. Practices I know can be followed. Is just need to make it habitual.
These are just a surface scatched. A tip of the ice berg. More situations will appearred. If faced with such a dilemma, where can I go?
I still love Di.
Like my mum says, it will be a bumpy ride. Hold on~ Yup, seats belts on!!!
Some things you have to ask for... then you would have it.
I thought I have the right to have.
Some things you ask for... doesn't mean you have it.
I think I have expected too much.
Tonight I came back to here... after so long. I believe this area has already vacant that perhaps I can really write my real thoughts and feelings here.
Running from my PC now is the song that is in the show Go Karl. This piece is what Di likes. I also like. But when I listen to this piece, I always remember the scene that Soo Jung was crying on the bridge with Karl. It makes me feel sad.
When I sad, I would run this piece too. Don't know why.
This show Di likes because the main actress, Soo Jung behaves like me. Violent sometimes. Act cute sometimes. Etc Etc. There is this scene Soo Jung self-take a video conversation to Karl. Di told me that I did once similar too. I was self taking myself in a boyish cap when I was on the way out. At that moment, I cried. I was touched. Di remebers that.
There are times I am confused. I don't what to do. There is this White Angel & Red Devil talking. Always. Different issues. This Angel & Devil always debating to me. Making me confuse from time to time.
A: You should be happy he is working hard now. Isn't that is what you are looking for? You wanted him to excel. You promised yourself don't let anything to distract him.
D: But not until barely talk for long these days. No quality time. Is not quantity. Is quality.
A: He did find time to meet you for dinner. He tries to find time for you. He is tired. Should be understanding towards him. He is not going anywhere.
D: Until no time to share whats been going on in your mind? How many times you wanted to share your life happenings to him, but how many times you keep quiet and let it pass, although you may have been waiting the whole day to tell him.
A: Sometimes there are some sacrifices. You love him, you would support him.
Sometimes it just go on and on. Sometimes it gets repeat itself. But in the end the Little Angel did talk her way out.
But there are times that I really don't know what to do. I feel both Angel & Devil are correct somehow. Confusion state. That's is why in the end I cried. I am so lost.
I think I rely on him too much. He became part of me. That can't function fully when he is not around. Am I that useless? Why can't I be a bit more independent? Don't make him more worried can?
I know sometimes I had hurt him. I may be missing him that much, but when we are together, I push him away. I scared I miss him more if we are together more. The thing is that things always work the other way. The more I miss him, the more I push him away. The more I push him away, the more I miss him.
I just put down the phone. He just given me a goodnite kiss. He is always tender with love and care. Tears came down when we finished talking. I don't know why. I can't help stop crying. Maybe I felt I let him down with my mood swings.
I love you my dear.
This little blog of mine had just over 230 plus of post. Nevertheless, this is the very last post here.
Because I don't know who are the readers. I can't carry on. I can't voice out my stuff without knowing who is out there. I can't be myself here. Anymore. Perhaps I will move. Perhaps it just end.
Dear reader, thanks for being here. Take care.
I want to stomp my feet like a child, when I am angry.
I want to run around like a child, when I am happy.
I want to jump up & down like a child, when I am excited.
I want to shout loud anytime anyplace like a child, when I am sad.
I want to be a kid.
not kidding you~
ya, 4 more days the counter above going to hit the max le... But seems can't hit the target. Sad man... not sure how long then I can hit the target.... perhaps 6 more months?? I duno~
Haiz... 3 weeks + 3 days + 3 weeks.... argh~
you know that is happiness when it comes. same old memories. Laughters. you know it will never last. you know you have no longer have rights over it.
4.30am. The Medical Paramedic just left.
First time calling 995, stunned with words. There is nothing I can do, but wait for it to arrive. And the clock ticks away.
The words used still rings in my mind now.
Should the kids know? I don't know~
Dad's 3rd time to A&E in 4 weeks.
Completely Lost. Now.
FREEDOM at 4:33 AM
Today have to stay at home.. Injured my back again... =X sad right? haha... Well, become an Grouchy Old Lady. Suppose to see doctor today, but too bad doctors also work 5.5 days. aw~
What a day for me yesterday... Firstly, the sole of my heels came off. Have to walk from Meridrain Hotel to Centrepoint to find a cobbler (Oh ya, actually I forgot there is a term for people whom mend shoes =X). Finally found the Master Mint beside the Cold Storage.
well, have to wait for 20-30 mins to mend it. Uncle passed me a pair of spare shoes. It looked kind of funny, like bedroom shoes. Is rubber material throughout the shoe. Lucky I was in jeans, else it will be super weird/obvious on me.
The injury on my back worsen when shopping at Centrepoint. Dear suggested go acupuncture, but I simply don't want. Another way is to go Keno for massage, hoping it helps to get better. Well, have to tarhan all the way till DFS. Waited for 30 mins for my turn. oh gosh... I even cant stand up without dear.
After the 'nice' massage, we proceeded to the dinner place. Is just next door at Royal Plaza - Carousel. Dear postpone the dinner 30 mins later due to the 'incident' above. Dinner was not too bad. I wanted to go for movie after dinner, but in the end Dear have to send me home straight. Simply too pain for anything but rest.
Haiz...... what a day!?!?!?! >.<
well, its an unlucky month for me... Today last day le... Tomorrow October.. Hope everything will gets better...
Yup, it will !!
This short article is for a few of you... yes, is you. Dedicated just for you.
Has it been a long time since you had a good cry? I mean an all out, sobbing, blubbering, nose-running cry? Do you think something catastrophic has to happen before you're allowed to let yourself go and cry?
Crying is cleansing. It removes pollutants from the body. According to a study cited by Robert Ornstein & David Sobel in the Healing Brain, analysis of human tears emitted because of pain or joy show a different chemical make-up then tears emitted because of eye irritations caused by something in your eye or cutting up an onion. 'Real' tears contain higher levels of toxic substances that the body is evidently eliminating through crying. That's a good news - one more way to get rid of the 'junk' we accumulate. (A good cry once a week is what we're after, not once a year.)
I cry at movies, I cry during songs, I cry at Church, I cry when everything is wonderful, I cry when everything isn't. And I do feel lots better afterwards. You can, too.
If crying isn't something you do naturally or if it embarrasses you for any reason, it's okay to be a closet crier until you get the hang of it. Start by noticing what brings up 'teary' feeling for you, A particular song, a movie, a person. Then use whatever it is to 'create' a good cry. So this when you're completely alone or with someone you trust. Crying alone can feel isolating. Crying with someone you trust who keep his/her mouth shut and just lets you cry can be incredibly liberating. If you aren't ready to do it with anyone around, keep reminding yourself that this is a good thing to do, a healthy thing to do. Because it's true. Crying is normal and natural. It's not shameful or weak. If you find that you simply cannot cry, don't give yourself a hard time. Instead, talk with a friend about your experiences with crying or not crying. If even there that's too much, try writing about it yourself. When we've lost a natural function that serve a purpose, it's important to begin to find ways to bring it back into our lives.
Crying is a very useful stress reducer and it's good for you.Taken from 'Undress your Stress' by Lois Levy, M.S.
Perhaps that is why I love to cry. Another reason to cry. Tissue anyone??
With Lots of Luv,
He may has the reasons to be angry. Yes. He should. Felt sorry for the actions done. Apologies made but nothing seems to resolve it. Be it he angry or not then. Why bother? And I have reasons that I don't give a damn about him. It will be disappointing to know what is it.
I have done what I believed I should. And that is it.
Seriously I am mad this time.
Its hurting to see someone getting hurt and I can't do anything to ease it. The pain pierced again at the same wound of yours. Pls don't suffer alone this time. Seriously when come to this point, that friendship is not really of worth. People maybe shock I said that, but I have grown out from there.
We was deserted back then. Lost & don't know what to do. Wished he can change his mind & come back. But he never. No reasons provided. He did it once, wished he do it again this time.
Else, perhaps this time is a good time to let go of my baby. Yes, a perfect time.
Be Strong & we will tight over... There will be always sunshine... Believed it, It will be there!!!
Now I belived what someone had said recently is very true about growing up. That's Life.
The songs playing from my computer now is Beatles song pieces.
Tks to someone, my dear... Brought me to watch "A Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles. It is an event organized by National Museum of Singapore. "Under the Banyan Tree: Open Air Cinema". Very nice & unique experience.
It is an Black & White movie. It reminds me of Charlie Chaplin movie I watched when I was young. Of course was on TV, not like this in open air. Quite a crowd, same as us brought mat. Some even got picnic basket. haha... quite an sight.
The collections of the song pieces in the CD is very familiar. I think I have listened before just that I don't know is by who. Such as "Ob La Di - Ob La Da". In the movie, this piece "I Should Have Known Better" caught me. Whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa~~ keke~
We were back the next day for another screening of "Grease", with daughter too. This film main cast is John Travolta. Know who is he? haha... well, it shocked me abit back then. He cross-act as Edna in "Hairspray". Yup, the over-sized lady in that show. She (should I say "He"?? hmm...) although is big sized in the show, she was able to dance. OMg~ not easy sia...
That afternoon took neoprint. haha... been quite awhile never take. Quite fun. We were kinda of slow, coz time was up before we can select all 6. We only select 3 pieces. But not too bad in the end. I don't know my daughter is so artistic. ;o)
Felt like a little girl... feelings so familiar...
Is not a good feeling. Being raised high up in the sky, but drop down when the fingers are just inches away from it. Yup, cried in the sleep & woke by it.
It maybe a small thing, but it just affected me.
Hate that. Since young. I thought I had received the trust. But I did not. In whatever I do, Decisions made. But seem the person should understand never trust me. Happened every time. So many years. I hate this feeling.
Restrictions. I can't run & break away from it.
Afraid there is more to it. Should I fear for the worse?
I just wanted to shout "I know what I am doing."
FREEDOM at 11:12 PM
sometimes I wonder, why do people fight? Can't we be the same as before?? As we grow up, why does the things around me need to change??
My patience had thin over the years, tried my best being the role model. But who understand? The receiving party don't understand at all. Looking at the photos of the past, looked so innocent & happy. Can I be like then? I am very very tired...
Does he know I am crying now? Why can't he understand my point? Disappointed with myself... I really don't know what to do.
I have so many qns in my mind, that I simply don't understand...
Now is Thur le... time is getting closer & closer... been trying to get myself busy to forget abt the thing, but can't. When got busy, time passes by fast & thus its get nearer to the day...
I can't believe I be going alone. I don't know what will I do then.
I hate going airport.
FREEDOM at 12:47 AM
You may be ready to make some major career changes in your life, dear Aries. It is likely that you have become fed up with the stress of the hard work and long hours of the corporate environment. Surely in this age of technology there is a way for you to spend more time at home without sacrificing the quality of your work. Give some thought to this over the next few days, dear Aries. If you put a proposal together for your boss, you may be surprised by the positive response you get.
So here is today's note... Perhaps a continuation from yesterday... Is there someone from 'upstairs' trying to tell me something??? Can't be that accurate... or is it?? haha...
Have you been going crazy lately with all the demands being placed on you from all sides? Don't despair; take some time out to reflect on all that has been going on. Go inward and think about where you want to make changes in your busy life. Once you have come to a decision, don't hesitate to implement it step by step. This is easier than waiting for the big opportunity and then doing it in one big stride. This chance may never come. And the step-by-step approach can bring immediate results that you might find very satisfying.
So what is it implying? Somehow I felt I know what it is trying to tell me.... Juz avoiding it... o.O
perhaps some light pls....
Happy Birthday my dear Yun!!!! Muackzzzz!!!
Early in the morning had this shocking news.
Don't know what is the real story behind it. No head No tail. But nothing good out of it. Seems no one wants to tell me the exact story.
although that I don't know what happened, I was kinda affected. What a day to wake up to, right...? I can't believed that even mum was puzzled why am I stlll involved it it. Double blow.
Conflicts in the group sure be surfaced when ideas are exchanged. But I don't understand why it is blown out of proportion. Hope for the best outcome.
Sometimes I just envy M. For she had a mentor & a battle companion beside her to hold the fort. Somehow I felt finally M appeared & with the help of G, baby will grow well.
sometimes, somethings won't turn out what you wanted it to be...
ya, I know someone will get angry with me for involving in it.
All I want is baby stand up strong & steady. Will baby fall badly & leave me before the year ends... I won't know.
In a confusion state. Seriously need a break. help~
Movies Movies Movies!
Out on Friday for mid night movie... Die Hard 4. Didn't know that the movie stretch for 3 hrs... Not too bad the show... Except for main actor getting old - Can't Run & Get Breathless and Maggie Q is like an extra in the movie.. XD Overall, I like the effects in the movies... ACTIONS is what I love... Actually find that the bad guy looks kinda of familiar...
Back home for 2 hours sleep & headed off for another movie: Transformers!
Was an event for the youth that Ed is involving. aka AGM. but main point is still the movie! XD hee... wow... fallen in love with the cars I guess... especially the Yellow one... Bumblebee... I will get the DVD for this...
Actually suppose to go shopping with Xia after movie, but last min got tix from Ber for NDP rehearsal. So, Xia follow the rest of us to the show... XD
Seats not too bad. Quite in the middle... One thing sad about was, NO GOODIE bag!!! sian... I want the bag from this year NDP. It is a very special design bag that can assemble with many many compartments as you like.... =(
Well, saw gor on duty again. haha... busy sia... walk here n there... Look damn serious (Smart too...) someone said he very shuai wor LOLx.... well, *ren zhen de nan ren zhui shuai* too bad, Xia never realy see him... keke...
Sweetie was on duty also but never get to see him. He is the Air Force Guard of Honor. too bad, seats abit far so can't see him...
well, the performance was kinda of funny... Because it is not a full dress rehearsal, there are some people & things they replaced with something else. Such as dragon boat race replaced with speedboat... DOTz... Another one was, "Let's put our hands together and welcome His Excellency, Mr SR Narthan. Simulated." Then the IMposter will appear in the car... DOTz!! o.O
Understand from gor that the fireworks only 25% of the actual day. So I should be expecting more & nicer ones on 9 Aug... Anyone wants to go with me??
Went shopping with Xia at caurfour for dinner & headed straight back home after that. Feeling....
Exhausted. Battery flat.
last weekend went to this funny resturant at Orchard Towers. well, some of you will know that sences at Orchard Towers at night is sooo *ahem*... lotsa things to see... XD
that's not the main point anyway... Had dinner at this 3-Monkeys Resturant. This resturant is located near Harry's, I think... The food there not bad.
Highlight of the resturant is that, Kumar is performing there!! (Fri & Sat 11-12pm) The performancers are crossed-dressed. But there is one that I am not sure is guy or gal. Kumar crossed-dressed too. Wow... he is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. really... In long dress, plus in thin HIGH heels, at least 3" (too dark, can't really see..) well, he is sexy.. wahaha...
Not sure how to describe the show, coz it is more of listening to jokes following by some dances. eh... as for the jokes hor... is meant for 21 and above... and if you are open minded enough... =X
Oh my, I was so jealous of his silky long black hair.. Longer & Silkier than mine!!!
PS: He went to the Ladies then, not Gents.
so, Heng ar, wana go???!!? =P
Recent spiritual breakthroughs might have you feeling both exhilarated and downcast. The sensitive side of you tells you that this is a definite step forward for you on your spiritual path, but the logical side of you might be causing you to doubt the reality of it.
Accurate? Yup, is a bingo...
Tough times at work will just doubt the reality of my life & the abilities of mine. When things get greyish, the tendercy of geting disorder is very high.
Not pin-pointing who is the person whom in the wrong. Is the issue as a whole.
There is this chinese saying, ren zai jiang hu shen bu you ji. In this working society, it will fall on the basic rule,"Fittest Survive". By crook or by hook, get what you want matters. Which path taken doesn't matters.
I picked up something from boss last week. "Ruthless does not means evil. In business it means get things done. Being gentle doesn't helps."
Not sure am I riding on top of the wave or going to sink soon. Things get tough. There are things that I can't let it worked my way, I hate it.
In confusion state. And I know crying will only prove me weak.
is it due to I care too much about work~ Am I?
When we do things for someone, what we would want in the end is recipient happy with it. The smile on the face is the most treasured.
Gald to be appreciated. Having known that Grandma is so delighted just brighten up my day.
But, sometimes good things just short lived. For that, it sometimes just sank my heart.
Grandma is leaving Singapore soon, end of July. I am sad, I know Dad too. Grandma too.
Me, just can't help crying...
photos perhaps bring me lots & lots of childhood memories... =(
sad sad sad....