I am in a daze now. Things going wrong. the Card I making, size don't tally. Worry lack of money if anything goes wrong. Need to maintain the connections with people so it won't appear using them when you need them. Worry about work. Stress at work. Stress that Ah Yen cannot cope with life. Cannot cope with work. Scared that Ah Zhong fall into bad company. Scared that Ah Mei meet accidents or strangers when she go out herself. Scared she cannot make it in school. Scared that they don't have happy times. Scared that they face the same thing as me. blah blah blah...
EVERYTHING IS WEIGHTING ME DOWN!
I closed the door and cry. Who knows.
Tried to organized camping overnight, only the kids seems excited. Mum & Dad no comments. Treat as never hear it. I already trying my best to keep my family together. I don't want to force. I don't want to face the same moment because I cried Dad stay for a while to blow Ah Zhong birthday candles. He went off straight after the song. You know I hate it so much.
Since young, I always thought family is together. Mum and Dad is always there. I took it for granted. There is no happy ever after at all. I have childhood happy memories where family outings are so happy. I want to give my kids the same things too. But in the end, only we four going to the campping. Ourselves.
I WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM. WHAT THEY WANT???? THEY BRING US INTO THIS WORLD, FOR WHAT. TO ENDURE THE VOID IN MY HOUSE NOW? I FEEL SO UNLOVE. I TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING BACK NORMAL, BUT IT IS NOT. EVERYDAY IS TO ENDURE THE STUPID FAKE NORMALNESS IN THE HOUSE.
FUCK OFF.
These days been involuntary imagine if I die... Thinking how many percent should go to my kids... Sometimes I told Di about my issues, I cried a lot in the end. Although I am sad, I want to share with him how I feel. But I scared that Di is sicked of me, my crying, my worries. In the end, I seems to put on that mask and cry to myself. Like here now.
But I love my kids. I just read about suicide survivors. How they cope with the questions and shame withe someone pass on in suicide cases. I realized that they might have malfunction or has a void in their life in the future. I always imagine if I am gone, how Di's life will be. Will he back to his old self? Talk to the wall. Stare at the TV etc etc. I don't know. The only thing that is keeping me alive is them. Sometimes, I don't know how to tell them life is good. Ultimately everyone will face death. I so scared to tell them the truth. I been crying to sleep many years when I suddenly realized that ultimately I will die and everyone is away from me. I am so scared.
I feel so helpless. I been trying to keep myself sane. Trying to. I am really exhausted. I really feel so sad. Hurt. I heard voices out there. Others is still revolving outside my room door. But I am crying here.
Who knows anything???? No one.
FREEDOM at 11:05 PM
5 Comments:
Still remember uncle heng is here to lend listening ear?
Are you okay?
you know Uncle Heng, sometimes I don't know is I am driven to one corner myself or by others....
I am really tired. Tired of everything.
No more fighting. Just like letting the stream of water takes me where ever it flows. No more worries. No more going against with anyone to fit my principle, wants and needs. Everyone or No one wants a piece of me, so be it.
[HeNG]
Well, i guess when these things occur repetitively, we will just get very tired (or annoyed; frustrated can be a good word here too) by them.
If you are tired, do let them go first and take a small break. The more you would want things to happen in expectations, the worser they will turn out to be. Like the old clinque >> Have a break; Have a KitKat.
You are who you are, in fact. Keep those cute principles, wants and needs there. Don't peel off your 'original' mask (Eh, that's the skin, by the way) by accomodation (you are not in the 'service' sector, by the way).
Stay cheerful, stay happy :D
First day of Xmas is coming. Have you bought the macademian chocolate?
ps: why must it be macademian chocolate?
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