You know how it felt when I feel helpless on what he is facing?

I talk to him today thu' MSN. I have wronged him. He had things preoccupied in his mind. Not things about us. But confuse about life. I know he is unhappy with stuff, disappointed with what life gong to give him. I feel the same, but I never say a word. Strangely I told him a branch of words that I know it is correct but things I don't really know how to go about it. I wasn't angry with him. But more of disappointed with him for leaving me out of his problems but not share with me... Am I not dependable?

Lost again~

This is the 2nd night of a long weekend. 2nd night that I going to cry myself to sleep I think.

Coincidentally, I just read something from a book. Love is never a 50-50 balance equation. It can be a 70-30 or 60-40. Am I the one whom loves him more?

I can't help to think in this way. Today isn't the first time I felt this way. Every time, I tried to push him away to see if we really meant for each other, I am always the one whom regret in it later. Is like, I want to run down a path so he can follow me but in the end I slowed myself down just in case he give up chasing.

Like a while ago, he went to loan someone's car for tomorrow Jalan Raya. I understand that he may need to wake up early morning for prayers tomorrow. But deeply I hope he will drive to find me for a while. I never on mobile phone tone at home or anywhere. But I just turned it on earlier, hoping he will be downstairs. My special ringtone for his mobile number did rang. Before I pickup the call, I told myself he cares after all. Then, he told me he already reach home.

2 years back, when he got a motorbike, he purposely drove over to pass me a DVD he ordered for me. He don't exactly have my address then. But managed to drop it at my letter box. Lovely isn't it?

This incident is the one moment I deeply remember. Since then, no other incident did overwrites it.

People will tell me, "Guys are block heads, must tell them what to do then you get what you want." The thing is, what is the point of telling them, just to get the result? Yes, by telling them what you want, you can get what you wanted eventually, but is it the main point? No, is like getting the things done without the initiative to do so.

If one cares, there is no need to be told to do so.

Like what I always said, I seem getting tired to run after him. To him, what meant to be is meant to be. To me, it doesn't mean it will drop from the sky from just sitting there.

A relationship is like having a pot of flowers. It needs water, sunlight and nutrients. Is not like cactus. It requires time to nurture it. When you love something, one will automatically do what is needed. Extra love and care.

I am so scared that the extra care and love I have for him will diminish one day.

Plain words of "I love you" doesn't mean anything if it is not meant so. Repeating every time doesn't mean more, it may be just repetition like a forever-loop Java code. You know, like a SOP.

Sometimes I wonder if he knows he is repeating the words again when multitasking his chores and me on the phone. I was seldom the priority.

"I call you back" becomes "Time to end the call. I doing some chores and talk to you tomorrow" to me. At times he called back. At times I doze off sleeping. At times I woke up the next day and realized no call or SMS after all. Sometimes when I woke up in the morning, how I wish to have a good morning message or a good nite message that was left after I slept.

I know he cares. But how much worth I have in his heart? 80-20?

Always wonder, did he even ever come here to see my thoughts?

I started to hate my Fridays....

hey bloggy... I am back again... I know I always turn to you when something on my mind. I know you don't mind... haha... This is a delayed post of last week, been wanting to come over, but always another excuse of not surfacing online...

Today perhaps now, I am not really happy nor unhappy... Just neautal for once.

That day I went over to Di's house crying. I cried while waiting for bus. Even the person up above is trying to be funny to me. There is no taxi to flag at all. So cry all the way to YCK in the bus.

You know why I cried? Because I realized that I will be seeing Di soon which will remind me what is between of us. The huge rock in between. I missed his hugs, laughers, jokes, console and accompany always. But I can't shake it off the thought that there is something missing between us.

A common path of belief.

I seek answer from him one of the weekday. I got his answer from him. He told me he would want to believe more in his religion. He felt that people are more happy when they have some faith. He hoping me to have some belief too. Hope not force.

Upon hearing this, I felt my heart sank. Tears rolled down quietly. Because I realized that is either him or me. To compromise. To give up the identity of oneself. Normally people expect the lady partner to change and believe what the guy believe in. Di blurted out that he will compromise, upon seeing me in tears. I can't help to feel more hurt as I feel that he has to give up his belief to be with me. Is like either me or his religion. I feel bad, sad and lost. I don't want him to be like that.

The choice left is if I want to be with Di, I have to believe in what he has been brought up with or seperate with him. I don't want the latter one. But is there any other choice? Its a opportunity cost sort of situation. I can't have both sides of the world and strike a balance in between.

Simple things like fasting, I never tried it. The most I had is skip lunch. Lack of water is a No-No for me. The knowledge I had on why need to fast, is that so oneself can understand the poor suffering without food / water. However, my question is - why fast when end of the day more food is consume after breaking fast? I don't understand.

There is a girl whom eat vegetables only because his boyfriend is a vegetarian. That's sweet isn't it? They are people whom I know personally. I still eat pork when not with Di. I don't touch common heavy pork meals like "Bak Gu Teh" or "Guay Chap" anymore as I can't take the smell already. However, I still eat sliced meat when at home. Some times, I feel that the frequency that Mum cook the pig necktie or the ngor hiap for me to eat is cause in case I can't eat any more in the future. I feel sad. For Mum. I always cried when I think of this.

I eat beef for instance, but actually my brought up forbid me to do so. I still eat beef from time to time cause I don't see what is the real reason for not so. Same for pork I guess. To me, everything is just a belief.

You may ask me why I so insist of not believing in a religion. Why am I so pain in the ass. Is like something is not physically there to believe in. My reason to the existance of religion is that, it was created long long time ago as human mental is weak, they need some thing supernatural to exist up there to calm them down or confidence without fear. Its like a central of gravity in humans. To make them strong & stable, a faith that keep people sane. Or something to turn to when encounter a obstacle. See, my understanding is this: It was created not really exist.

I always ask this question, what if after the end of your life journey, you found out that it is all a fraud? I always think that death is a forever sleep. No floating around or what-so-ever. I am scared still, caused if that is the case, when we come to the forever sleep, we will lose everything that matters to us alot. Like family. We lose all our contact. The intense fear envelops me whenever I think of this. That, ultimately we will go one day. No route to escape. Its a truth not a myth. It will happen to everyone of us one day.

I respect Di's religion still. Try my possible best not to overturn his belief in him. But how correct am I? His is accurate or mine? I don't think I will have a perfect answer from anyone as it depends whom I speak to. Like, if I speak to a priest, he will say Lord is up there. If you speak to a scienctist, will tell you stars is up there. See, you get fish when you speak to a fish.

So how thick is the shell that is around me? Will I break though one day and found enlightenment?

A half glass water is always half empty to me.