This is the 2nd night of a long weekend. 2nd night that I going to cry myself to sleep I think.

Coincidentally, I just read something from a book. Love is never a 50-50 balance equation. It can be a 70-30 or 60-40. Am I the one whom loves him more?

I can't help to think in this way. Today isn't the first time I felt this way. Every time, I tried to push him away to see if we really meant for each other, I am always the one whom regret in it later. Is like, I want to run down a path so he can follow me but in the end I slowed myself down just in case he give up chasing.

Like a while ago, he went to loan someone's car for tomorrow Jalan Raya. I understand that he may need to wake up early morning for prayers tomorrow. But deeply I hope he will drive to find me for a while. I never on mobile phone tone at home or anywhere. But I just turned it on earlier, hoping he will be downstairs. My special ringtone for his mobile number did rang. Before I pickup the call, I told myself he cares after all. Then, he told me he already reach home.

2 years back, when he got a motorbike, he purposely drove over to pass me a DVD he ordered for me. He don't exactly have my address then. But managed to drop it at my letter box. Lovely isn't it?

This incident is the one moment I deeply remember. Since then, no other incident did overwrites it.

People will tell me, "Guys are block heads, must tell them what to do then you get what you want." The thing is, what is the point of telling them, just to get the result? Yes, by telling them what you want, you can get what you wanted eventually, but is it the main point? No, is like getting the things done without the initiative to do so.

If one cares, there is no need to be told to do so.

Like what I always said, I seem getting tired to run after him. To him, what meant to be is meant to be. To me, it doesn't mean it will drop from the sky from just sitting there.

A relationship is like having a pot of flowers. It needs water, sunlight and nutrients. Is not like cactus. It requires time to nurture it. When you love something, one will automatically do what is needed. Extra love and care.

I am so scared that the extra care and love I have for him will diminish one day.

Plain words of "I love you" doesn't mean anything if it is not meant so. Repeating every time doesn't mean more, it may be just repetition like a forever-loop Java code. You know, like a SOP.

Sometimes I wonder if he knows he is repeating the words again when multitasking his chores and me on the phone. I was seldom the priority.

"I call you back" becomes "Time to end the call. I doing some chores and talk to you tomorrow" to me. At times he called back. At times I doze off sleeping. At times I woke up the next day and realized no call or SMS after all. Sometimes when I woke up in the morning, how I wish to have a good morning message or a good nite message that was left after I slept.

I know he cares. But how much worth I have in his heart? 80-20?

Always wonder, did he even ever come here to see my thoughts?

I started to hate my Fridays....

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