Sometimes I wonder... why I only come here when I am sad...

I breakdown that night. First night of Lunar New Year. No one knows.

I am sick. I know. I am scared to see doctor.
Sometimes what I want is not just say bring me see doctor, but to understand why. I don't trust doctors. Sometimes somethings, is not ask it helps. Heart is what matters most. I can feel if the heart is there or not....

Asked for medical help. Worried about cost. If per trip cost hundred plus, how many times I need to go? In the end, does it helps at all? Went to a professional care before. Couple of times. Wastes time, waste money. Confused medical explanations due to a messy and disorganized doctor. Mind you, its a big hospital. its just a job to this doctor. you can feel it. No heart. Money perhaps. Or hitting "patient-consultations" quota matters most.

I am a little emotional strained. Sometimes I felt my energy and mental strength are drained off in many channels.

A little more love, is what I need.

Sometimes I wonder why. Sometimes I am with green eyes. When I see this someone go miles for that someone. I realized I do. But I also realized, there is no this someone for me.

Why?

I am a little scared to put in the same amount of love and initiative as for the club. Once bitten, twice shy. I remembered I go miles for this baby. But when it collapsed, my heart went dead with it.

Lost it.

Now, a little metal heart-ed. Coz' no idea if I can handle another blow if there is.

today is cny eve. Last nite got a fight. Same old issue tat they cant live with each other.. The nonsense is weighting me down, i juz want to go slp and never awake to face all this. Its the hurt in me living off me.. Eating me alive from inside. How painful it is.. Being happy is so hard is it?? It has become a luxxury... For me... I could have run away... But i cant... My kids... They are hurting too. How will they feel when they grow up? I already feel the pain that is eating me out....