Sometimes I wonder... why I only come here when I am sad...

I breakdown that night. First night of Lunar New Year. No one knows.

I am sick. I know. I am scared to see doctor.
Sometimes what I want is not just say bring me see doctor, but to understand why. I don't trust doctors. Sometimes somethings, is not ask it helps. Heart is what matters most. I can feel if the heart is there or not....

Asked for medical help. Worried about cost. If per trip cost hundred plus, how many times I need to go? In the end, does it helps at all? Went to a professional care before. Couple of times. Wastes time, waste money. Confused medical explanations due to a messy and disorganized doctor. Mind you, its a big hospital. its just a job to this doctor. you can feel it. No heart. Money perhaps. Or hitting "patient-consultations" quota matters most.

I am a little emotional strained. Sometimes I felt my energy and mental strength are drained off in many channels.

A little more love, is what I need.

Sometimes I wonder why. Sometimes I am with green eyes. When I see this someone go miles for that someone. I realized I do. But I also realized, there is no this someone for me.

Why?

I am a little scared to put in the same amount of love and initiative as for the club. Once bitten, twice shy. I remembered I go miles for this baby. But when it collapsed, my heart went dead with it.

Lost it.

Now, a little metal heart-ed. Coz' no idea if I can handle another blow if there is.

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