hey bloggy... I am back again... I know I always turn to you when something on my mind. I know you don't mind... haha... This is a delayed post of last week, been wanting to come over, but always another excuse of not surfacing online...

Today perhaps now, I am not really happy nor unhappy... Just neautal for once.

That day I went over to Di's house crying. I cried while waiting for bus. Even the person up above is trying to be funny to me. There is no taxi to flag at all. So cry all the way to YCK in the bus.

You know why I cried? Because I realized that I will be seeing Di soon which will remind me what is between of us. The huge rock in between. I missed his hugs, laughers, jokes, console and accompany always. But I can't shake it off the thought that there is something missing between us.

A common path of belief.

I seek answer from him one of the weekday. I got his answer from him. He told me he would want to believe more in his religion. He felt that people are more happy when they have some faith. He hoping me to have some belief too. Hope not force.

Upon hearing this, I felt my heart sank. Tears rolled down quietly. Because I realized that is either him or me. To compromise. To give up the identity of oneself. Normally people expect the lady partner to change and believe what the guy believe in. Di blurted out that he will compromise, upon seeing me in tears. I can't help to feel more hurt as I feel that he has to give up his belief to be with me. Is like either me or his religion. I feel bad, sad and lost. I don't want him to be like that.

The choice left is if I want to be with Di, I have to believe in what he has been brought up with or seperate with him. I don't want the latter one. But is there any other choice? Its a opportunity cost sort of situation. I can't have both sides of the world and strike a balance in between.

Simple things like fasting, I never tried it. The most I had is skip lunch. Lack of water is a No-No for me. The knowledge I had on why need to fast, is that so oneself can understand the poor suffering without food / water. However, my question is - why fast when end of the day more food is consume after breaking fast? I don't understand.

There is a girl whom eat vegetables only because his boyfriend is a vegetarian. That's sweet isn't it? They are people whom I know personally. I still eat pork when not with Di. I don't touch common heavy pork meals like "Bak Gu Teh" or "Guay Chap" anymore as I can't take the smell already. However, I still eat sliced meat when at home. Some times, I feel that the frequency that Mum cook the pig necktie or the ngor hiap for me to eat is cause in case I can't eat any more in the future. I feel sad. For Mum. I always cried when I think of this.

I eat beef for instance, but actually my brought up forbid me to do so. I still eat beef from time to time cause I don't see what is the real reason for not so. Same for pork I guess. To me, everything is just a belief.

You may ask me why I so insist of not believing in a religion. Why am I so pain in the ass. Is like something is not physically there to believe in. My reason to the existance of religion is that, it was created long long time ago as human mental is weak, they need some thing supernatural to exist up there to calm them down or confidence without fear. Its like a central of gravity in humans. To make them strong & stable, a faith that keep people sane. Or something to turn to when encounter a obstacle. See, my understanding is this: It was created not really exist.

I always ask this question, what if after the end of your life journey, you found out that it is all a fraud? I always think that death is a forever sleep. No floating around or what-so-ever. I am scared still, caused if that is the case, when we come to the forever sleep, we will lose everything that matters to us alot. Like family. We lose all our contact. The intense fear envelops me whenever I think of this. That, ultimately we will go one day. No route to escape. Its a truth not a myth. It will happen to everyone of us one day.

I respect Di's religion still. Try my possible best not to overturn his belief in him. But how correct am I? His is accurate or mine? I don't think I will have a perfect answer from anyone as it depends whom I speak to. Like, if I speak to a priest, he will say Lord is up there. If you speak to a scienctist, will tell you stars is up there. See, you get fish when you speak to a fish.

So how thick is the shell that is around me? Will I break though one day and found enlightenment?

A half glass water is always half empty to me.

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