Tonight I came back to here... after so long. I believe this area has already vacant that perhaps I can really write my real thoughts and feelings here.
Running from my PC now is the song that is in the show Go Karl. This piece is what Di likes. I also like. But when I listen to this piece, I always remember the scene that Soo Jung was crying on the bridge with Karl. It makes me feel sad.
When I sad, I would run this piece too. Don't know why.
This show Di likes because the main actress, Soo Jung behaves like me. Violent sometimes. Act cute sometimes. Etc Etc. There is this scene Soo Jung self-take a video conversation to Karl. Di told me that I did once similar too. I was self taking myself in a boyish cap when I was on the way out. At that moment, I cried. I was touched. Di remebers that.
There are times I am confused. I don't what to do. There is this White Angel & Red Devil talking. Always. Different issues. This Angel & Devil always debating to me. Making me confuse from time to time.
A: You should be happy he is working hard now. Isn't that is what you are looking for? You wanted him to excel. You promised yourself don't let anything to distract him.
D: But not until barely talk for long these days. No quality time. Is not quantity. Is quality.
A: He did find time to meet you for dinner. He tries to find time for you. He is tired. Should be understanding towards him. He is not going anywhere.
D: Until no time to share whats been going on in your mind? How many times you wanted to share your life happenings to him, but how many times you keep quiet and let it pass, although you may have been waiting the whole day to tell him.
A: Sometimes there are some sacrifices. You love him, you would support him.
.........
Sometimes it just go on and on. Sometimes it gets repeat itself. But in the end the Little Angel did talk her way out.
But there are times that I really don't know what to do. I feel both Angel & Devil are correct somehow. Confusion state. That's is why in the end I cried. I am so lost.
I think I rely on him too much. He became part of me. That can't function fully when he is not around. Am I that useless? Why can't I be a bit more independent? Don't make him more worried can?
I know sometimes I had hurt him. I may be missing him that much, but when we are together, I push him away. I scared I miss him more if we are together more. The thing is that things always work the other way. The more I miss him, the more I push him away. The more I push him away, the more I miss him.
I just put down the phone. He just given me a goodnite kiss. He is always tender with love and care. Tears came down when we finished talking. I don't know why. I can't help stop crying. Maybe I felt I let him down with my mood swings.
I love you my dear.
FREEDOM at 1:24 AM
3 Comments:
Fr: Uncle Heng >>>>
wow... It's indeed a looooong time since you blogged (or should i say that it's me never online for long)..
Anyway, haiz... missing is not a good term to work.. Be short-sighted seems a good choice. :) Life is more than worrying:) :)
Heng Heng... Tks for dropping by here... you are not online now....
Sometimes life gets so messy till I lost track of everything. And I lost the people around me. And lost myself.
I want abit of everything. Abit of everyone. I wish everyone is part of my life.
Am I a social butterfly?
I understand the law of opportunity cost. But I hate it.
Fr: Uncle Heng >>>>
Wow, at least you know what is Law of Opportunity Cost. You are of higher intelligence than me.
Being a social butterfly? I guess, it seems to be a norm for everyone. It seems that this is a level or stage that many people hope to achieve and pursue.
But according to the laws of evolution and laws that governs ecosystem, a butterfly, which is just an ordinary organism living in earth, would one day, be called home by the lord.
Of course, i'm not saying that we are dying. But more of being a social butterfly. Being a social butterfly seems to have the same equivalent status as a circus entertainer or a clown providing a platform for people to gather. Your only emotion is laughter and smile. In circus, the moment the clown starts to cry, the show will be called off instantly. So, what do you think would happen if you are sad (when you are a social butterfly)?
Humans are born to have 2 hands (thanks to that, one is named as left hand and the other one, is so coincidentally known as right hand). That is, you can only grab that much of things with the two hands. Nothing more or nothing less. Linking back, wanting bits of everything and everyone would be as good as going into the centre of the sun.
My student used to be a quiet boy. When he finally entered into a tertiary institute, his quietness has just disappeared overnight. He is very outspoken now, along with that, he is extremely busy now.
Elva (a taiwanese singer) has mentioned this on air before, " Of all, i still prefer the time when i was a student in Canada. Eat, Shit, Sleep, Drink and Study. Nothing too complicated to think about."
I guess, things are just complicated and messy when we are grown-ups.
I used to believe that soccer training, church activities, studies, me and his girlfriend would be able to co-exist in harmony. But, to only realise that things aren't what i thought. I have to exit from the picture permanently (to think that i encourage him to take up soccer training and be more involved in church activites).
So a bit of everyone?
Qn: According to your law of opportunity cost, do you want to be a social butterfly with only laughters and smiles or an ordinary girl knowing that you are going to leave some people out of your picture?
The choice is in you.:)
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