All the while, I acknowledged myself as a free thinker. A one believe in Science. But funny is sometimes I am scared of ghosts. I am interested in them, go search for them. But don't know what to do if they appear in front of me. (heehee...)

Di asked me, why I don't believed in religion. My answer is simply: Because no scientific reasons proven. So where does chickens or Human come from, he asked? To him, it is created by God. To me is a evolution of the Universe. Man are evolved from apes. Like our modern Elephants from Mammoths (aka Manfred from Ice Age).

A few years back while working at Canon roadshow, got this Muslim guy explained to me about the religion. Like where does the Qur'an from, where you go after you die, what practices they follows. He even quoted me some negative examples off the streets on the spot. He is quite a strict follower I guess.

The stories he told me, I think I got a little scared. Especially it came to the part of the after-life, aka Judgment Day. It did set me thinking, will it really happen? Will I get separated from those I loved? The 'treatments' is like the Chinese stories we all heard since young: 18 levels of Hell. sama sama.

Ever since 3 years old, I have a fear. At that time after the funeral of my late grandpapa, I always wonder where he go. Does he still with us as a spirit, like in the TV shows. I am happy if he was like that. Some other times I explained to myself, it is like a deep sleep that never wakes up. Whenever my mind reached this point, I will get so scared that I cried out so loud that set my mum n dad came running into my room. I can't explained to them the reason why I cried. Is like don't know how to tell them my fear. After so many years, this thinkings still huant me sometimes. I still cry but sliently. Perhaps I am still not sure how to answer to my actions or perhaps I fear to see the fear in my parents' eyes that they are facing the same doubts/fears.

Does religion explain to us where we will go later on? How come different religions tell different stories? So who is correct? What if I choose something which in the end is wrong? Where will I ended up?

Wanting to find someone to talk to, but who? God knows~

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To be with him, I am very happy & feel bliss. Although sometimes I complain, it is just nothing serious. (juz PMS-ing hehe...). He is good to me. I am touched that he does understand my roles & responsibilities as the eldest. He does spent time with my kids. My kids accepted him. And I am happy about it.

I hoping to have a long term relationship with him. It is like those in the fairy tales "And they live happily ever after." I am looking forward to that. When I look far far and really very far ahead, I faced choices now. It is not the cultural differences. It is the Religion.

Initially my thoughts was: I will not convert if I don't believe in it. But if I don't, how should I teach my kids? I thought perhaps like Grandma & late Grandpapa. Grandpapa was a Buddhist while Grandma is a Christian. What a wishy thought I have! One possible scenario will happen if I don't convert: "Mama, why you need not fast?? Can I follow you instead of Papa?" I will be there stunned with loss of words. haha... Am I correct?

If I convert, but don't really or fully believe in it, is it an insult to it? To me, it is. I don't wish to insult something that is pure in nature. Is just I don't know how to make myself believe in one thing.

Although I still don't quite understand why pig is an "unclean" animal, but I can give up pork. Practices I know can be followed. Is just need to make it habitual.

These are just a surface scatched. A tip of the ice berg. More situations will appearred. If faced with such a dilemma, where can I go?

I still love Di.

Like my mum says, it will be a bumpy ride. Hold on~ Yup, seats belts on!!!

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