It had been more than a week since that Thur. Remarkably, this new lady I met, her words did make me think.
Surprisingly on monday, Monotonous stuck me hard. I suddenly posed a qns to myself. What do I live for? For who? For what? This qns came from nowhere but my inner self.
But I feared. Fear to explore the truth of my life, myself. My inner voice.
Senior did mentioned that he felt that he achieved nothing until now. He was lost. I see myself in him.
So what I was awarded Colors Award before?! that was donkey years ago. So what I got As in my subjects? It doesnt apply to my everyday life. So what I was once the Vice President of the club?! Is just a title. So what? is there anything else I achieved till now?? Nothing!! A Big fat ZERO. Don't you think so? Yup, A Big FAT ZERO.
I got too many qns with no ans came to me.
I envy those who had the will to fight in them. There is somthing they live for. Somthing that gone missing in me. I wanted to find a thing that I can live for. A passion that burns. or A battle companion perhaps. A person that walk the same path & fight along with me.
but Ken told me he is a person that fight on his own. Alone. He stated his reasons, and I see his point of view too.
I know myself, if I want to, I can fight till I reach what I wanted. In sec 2, I wanted to get into 2nd class coz' they offered Design & Tech. I love that subject alot. I cheong hard every day to get into that class. I am able to do that. Remember in sec days, wagered with James on exams results. I study hard just to beat him.
so, I can do it, if I want to. If I want to.
I used to tell my previous club president, "If that *A*** is going to give us trouble again, the most we will fall out. Make the issue big enough. If she finds fault with the club due to it, worse I quit." To me, is like po chu qiu le. Just do it. Heck care whether she likes it or not, I don't care. Just approve what I want. Anyway, I just hate her. In the end, I graduated with peace. No aruguements. I able to bring my point across when I forsake the load/responisbility that was on me.
To me, sometimes is the reponsibility that is weighing down on me that I have no choice but to walk the path that is smooth, secure.
Right now, I want to find a reason for me to fight on, to fight hard for. I don't want live to fight for a person. coz' I know when the person is gone, you lose the pillar of support. I don't want to be any other external matter for me to fight on. Is the inner self voice I want to find.
yah, this entry may be very confusing. coz' my mind is right now that.
so what is the wrong with me? any person can can pin-point that out?
on the journey to find the fire starter. wish me luck bah~
FREEDOM at 3:45 PM
4 Comments:
Well, you have reach the transition stage that not many people (of our age) have see or smell of yet. Congrats!
Like what i say, be proud and hang on there. Bite it through and you will find your way out of the maze.
Being apprehensive and being troubled over it is normal, cos it will be. But, nevertheless, since you are all out there, why not bash it through and find oyur way out.
Hold on, press on, fight to go on.
Jia you!!
don't you think my problem is that I am too contented with my current life??? I luv my life now (the after work hours of coz'...)
after a week of qestions, somehow or somewhat, back sq 1....
This transition stage is far too long for me......!!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZz!!!!!!!!!!
I am sure you can find your passion soon. I have seen your fire burn Big & bright; Strong & Steady. You are a fighter, you always do. You can do it without worries, ger. Fight on without doubts.
- Kai
Kai, but you should also know how my passion lead me to an non-return path...
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