Yesterday I had dinner with the club people. Been a nice evening. Hope the rest enjoy themselves. Gift exchanged too. Hope the girl don't get too disappointed after unwrapping mine. I think my wrapper too striking and too hopeful.

Well, the conclusion I had yesterday was that the group comprise of too many types of characters.

Some shy shy.
Some anything also ok.
Some very enthusiastic.
Some just don't considered others' feelings.

Ha Ha.

aiya, don't know lar... If I am in good old days, I could have boycott people whom is out to move the group into a different directions. I remember the guy T that I did that to when I in schooling time. Created so many trouble then.

Now, I already boh-cham. Is more of a social group to hang out together. So, not my problem even though some seems out of the group. Sometimes I feel sad that people seems to be out of the circle. I mean we are used to be friends that had fun, now seems off the circle.

Talked with Aaron yesterday briefly. In the end, I don't know whom to side or do what to resolve the invisible wall that seems to constructed. I knew the problem all along, but it is like do I need to take things in my hand? I appreciated that friendship I had with him earlier (and now still), just that he seems drifting off... haiz... how to pull him back?

Is like, there are some north, south poles magnet and metal nature exist in the group. If you introduce one south pole, north pole will attracted and south poles repel away. While some metals will attract no matter what is the magnet pole. I know metal natural is the best to exist in any social circle. But neither I have a metal nature within me. I has a magnet nature!!

Sometimes I tried to be more understanding and flexible. Be abit of metal nature to preserve all the friendships that exist in this wonderful social circle. That is why sometimes Di cannot tarhan. Sometimes I find him no love to the social circle. But I know he know the limits and I know he doing the way I can't bring myself to do it, so in the end he seems to be the bad guy.

hai yo....

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Anyway, just finish some documentations for the insurance thingy. Damn lor sor... haiz... Need documentations here and there... Already gave them the permission to get the clinical abstract, still come bug me with medical conditions that SHOULD HAVE in the clinical abstract. If I know what is the exact contents and medical terms, I would have become a doctor right? $%%$^%$^. I feel that it is just covering asses procedures should the premiums need to be paid.

Same as the medical institution I went earlier. So business like. Where is the medical CARE that government always says. Even the doctor I that she is so messy on her desk and personality, how can I trust her? FUCK off...

Upon thinking about the above, the latest Saw 6 plot came into my mind. Sometimes I think the head of such insurance corporations should go watch.

I don't believe "Angel" corporations exist. Business mean Business. When money at strike, asses need to covered. Matter most is - whose asses.

I cannot go back sleep. Only slept 4 hours and wake up by a bad bad dream.

Dad pass on. but do see this soul. Talked to him too. I cried very hard. very hard. I ran away from the funeral procession. Gor came running after me. In the end, he lead me back. I was still crying. I have to gathering 10 essential items for Dad, I don't remember the things much.
- Wallet
- Keys
- Lighter
- Theresa Teng CD
- Bak Gua
- Cheng Ting
- Family Photo

I woke up when I want to gather last 2 items.

I started to cry. Even is just a dream. It feels so real. I even have the "after effect crying" feeling when I woke up. I started to cry again. I don't know why. It really scare me.

When my late grandpa pass on, dejavu hit me. Exactly the same. I knew what is happening next at the procession - what people will say and do etc. That's was then I realized I did dream about late grandpa pass on. I told mum what happen, but she brush it off.

Seems I am a nut case.

Dreams like these... scared me. Scared that it will happen.

Now, sitting here realized something. No matter what he did, he is still my dad. I should accept what he did. I still love him after all. I can't bear to see he leave. I will still collapse if he is gone.

Hatred is just a negative feeling at times. But people says, in the end 尘归尘,土归土.

The whole phrase & meaning is actually:

尘归尘，土归土，
让往生者安宁，让在世者重获解脱。
ashes to ashes, dust to dust;
in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection unto eternal life……
你是什么就终究是什么，生命轮回, 从哪里来就会回到哪里去。

I am in a daze now. Things going wrong. the Card I making, size don't tally. Worry lack of money if anything goes wrong. Need to maintain the connections with people so it won't appear using them when you need them. Worry about work. Stress at work. Stress that Ah Yen cannot cope with life. Cannot cope with work. Scared that Ah Zhong fall into bad company. Scared that Ah Mei meet accidents or strangers when she go out herself. Scared she cannot make it in school. Scared that they don't have happy times. Scared that they face the same thing as me. blah blah blah...

EVERYTHING IS WEIGHTING ME DOWN!

I closed the door and cry. Who knows.

Tried to organized camping overnight, only the kids seems excited. Mum & Dad no comments. Treat as never hear it. I already trying my best to keep my family together. I don't want to force. I don't want to face the same moment because I cried Dad stay for a while to blow Ah Zhong birthday candles. He went off straight after the song. You know I hate it so much.

Since young, I always thought family is together. Mum and Dad is always there. I took it for granted. There is no happy ever after at all. I have childhood happy memories where family outings are so happy. I want to give my kids the same things too. But in the end, only we four going to the campping. Ourselves.

I WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM. WHAT THEY WANT???? THEY BRING US INTO THIS WORLD, FOR WHAT. TO ENDURE THE VOID IN MY HOUSE NOW? I FEEL SO UNLOVE. I TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING BACK NORMAL, BUT IT IS NOT. EVERYDAY IS TO ENDURE THE STUPID FAKE NORMALNESS IN THE HOUSE.

FUCK OFF.

These days been involuntary imagine if I die... Thinking how many percent should go to my kids... Sometimes I told Di about my issues, I cried a lot in the end. Although I am sad, I want to share with him how I feel. But I scared that Di is sicked of me, my crying, my worries. In the end, I seems to put on that mask and cry to myself. Like here now.

But I love my kids. I just read about suicide survivors. How they cope with the questions and shame withe someone pass on in suicide cases. I realized that they might have malfunction or has a void in their life in the future. I always imagine if I am gone, how Di's life will be. Will he back to his old self? Talk to the wall. Stare at the TV etc etc. I don't know. The only thing that is keeping me alive is them. Sometimes, I don't know how to tell them life is good. Ultimately everyone will face death. I so scared to tell them the truth. I been crying to sleep many years when I suddenly realized that ultimately I will die and everyone is away from me. I am so scared.

I feel so helpless. I been trying to keep myself sane. Trying to. I am really exhausted. I really feel so sad. Hurt. I heard voices out there. Others is still revolving outside my room door. But I am crying here.

Who knows anything???? No one.